The Devil’s Food Take

Hell opened up and spat out a hero. A few seconds later it spat out a bacon cheeseburger. And then a few seconds later it spat out a large chili dog, with extra onions. Trixie took the food over to a table and set it down in front of the eager customers sitting there. She then walks over to Max tending the bar.

“I tell you Max, this food delivery system is one of Bruce’s better ideas,” Trixie says.

“It does seem to be doing okay. Business is up and the boss is happy.”

“And my tips are way up too,” she says, patting her fanny pack.

Just then Blanche walks over to Max with her drink order. “Two Gargle Blasters, a Rosemary Clooney and a Chernobyl on the rocks. Better stand-by with the fire extinguishers, table two wants an order of Hellfire wings, extra hot.”

“Gotcha,” Max replies, as he starts to prepare the drinks.

Blanche walks over to the mic set on the bar before the strange device in the wall. “Four orders of Hellfire hot wings, extra hot,” she says, speaking into the mic.

The device dings and a minute later the wings appear, hot and steaming. She dons some hot mitts and carries them over to the table where the patrons look at them eagerly.

Just then Bruce walks into the bar. “Hey, everyone, how's it going?”

“Fashionably late as usual,” Max dead pans.

“Sorry, a big pile up on the highway. How are things going?”

“I was just talking to Max about the food dispenser, about how it’s doing great! Everyone loves it!” Trixie says.

“Just like I knew they would!” Bruce says. He then looks over at Max, who is calmly pouring out a drink. “You don’t look too excited,” he says.

“I still have my doubts,” Max replies. “You did make a deal with the Devil, you know.”

“I made a deal with his company, ‘Hell, inc.’. It’s a whole new deal. He’s branching out now. The old days are gone. This is the new Satan! We signed a contract!”

“You signed a contract with the Devil?” Trixie says incredulously.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, sign a contract, sell your soul. Blah, blah, blah. Those days are over! He told me himself, no profit margin in it!”

“Still, there’s an old saying, ‘The devil always gets his due’, exactly what is this costing us?” Max asks.

“Details, details. It’s on a trial basis. Hey, did table two just get some Hellfire Wings? Looks like they’ll be needing a fire extinguisher soon.”

Max hands Blanche the fire extinguisher and she gets ready to move in.

******

A week later the bar was packed. The World Fibonacci series was on the vids, with all eyes on them. It was all Trixie, Blanche and Max could do to keep up with orders. Even Bruce helped out, much to everyone’s amazement.

The food dispenser is dinging like a trolley bell, spewing out order after order. As soon as it appears, it is taken to a table.

Just then a new customer walks into the bar, dressed in an expensive tailor-made suit, calmly looking around the place and smiling. Blanche walks up to him, smiling at him.

“Hello, welcome to the Mare Inebrium bar! We’re really packed right now, but I’m sure I can find you a table in a few minutes if you will just wait right here.”

“That’ll be fine,” the stranger says, smiling at her.

Blanche smiles back, but it is forced. Something about this man doesn’t click right, she thinks.

She returns a few minutes later and guides the man to his table where he orders a drink.

Blanche returns a few minutes later with it. “Will that be all? We also have an extensive menu of snacks and appetizers.”

“Thank you, that’ll be all.”

Blanche walks away, still wondering about this guy, but quickly forgets him in the chaos of the bar.

The man sits at his table, slowly sipping his drink and smiling. He sees Bruce running around the bar, filling orders. He is too busy to notice him, but that’s all right. After all, he has plenty of time.

******

Three drinks later, Bruce is walking past the man's table when suddenly he stops and does a quick double take.

“It’s you! What are you doing here?”

“Just thought I’d drop by and see how things are doing. You look very busy.”

“You’d better believe it! That food dispenser is one of the best things to happen to this bar!”

“I’m glad. But you recall your use of it was on a trial basis. I’m here to exercise a contract option that you signed.”

“Now?” Bruce calls out. “I thought that wasn’t for several more months!”

“True, but at my discretion, as you recall. Another option I’m exercising.”

“Look, not here, not now. Gimme some time to tell the others. To take care of this.”

The man takes another sip of his drink. “One week no more.” He then pulls some bills out of his wallet. “Give this to Blanche,” he says, getting up from the table.

*******

A week later, Bruce is in the bar, talking to Max when a man walks in. Trixie walks up to him, greeting him.

“Hello, welcome to the Mare Inebrium bar. Can I direct you to a table?”

“No thank you, I have some business with one of your people here, Bruce is his name,” he says, looking over at the bar.

“Just a moment, please,” she says, walking over to the bar.

Trixie goes over to Max and Bruce talking at the bar. “‘Uh, guys, there’s someone here to see you Bruce,” she says, looking at the man standing by the door.

Bruce glances over at the man and suddenly stiffens, spilling his drink.

“Is everything okay Bruce?” Trixie asks nervously.

“Yeah, yeah, sure,” he replies, his voice shaking.

Just then the man walks over to the group. “Good day, people. I have some business to discuss with this gentleman,” he says looking at Bruce.

“What kind of business?” Max says with a hint of menace in his voice.

“It’s about your food dispenser. A contract was signed about it and I’ve come to collect according to a clause in it.”

“Bruce! What have you gotten yourself into now?” Trixie cries out.

“May I have a look at the contract, if you don’t mind.” Max says.

“Certainly,” the man says and with a flourish produces several papers out of mid-air and hands them to Max.

“As you see everything is in order. I’ve been doing this for thousands of years and I’ve never had one broken,” he says smiling.

Bruce is shaking, with Trixie putting her arms around him to try and calm him.

“Now what,” she says. Do you take his soul or something?”

“Please, madam. As I explained to him earlier, I'm out of that, no profit in it. Instead, he will become one of my representatives to get other people to buy my products who will then buy more through him and so on.”

“Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me,” Max says.

“Of course it is! My first one was with the ancient Egyptians, and who do you think invented Amway?”

“You’re evil!” Trixie exclaims.

“Of course! I’m a businessman! Now, if you’re ready we have to go now Bruce. The training seminar starts soon.”

Bruce starts to go towards the man when Max calls out, “Just a moment!”

“Oh, what is it? I told you the contract is rock solid. It can never be broken.”

“It says here that your food dispenser will produce exactly any known food in the universe, correct?”

“Yes,” he says tiredly. “And didn’t it do that?”

“And if it cannot do that then the contract is null and void?”

“Yes, yes, but before you think of anything smart, let me tell you that I have the recipes for literally billions of foods and drinks.”

“Do you have the recipe for Kitareen Egg soup?”

The man pulls out a small booklet and starts paging through it.” That’s impossible, that soup hasn’t been made in a million years! The planet it was served on was destroyed when its sun went nova. No one knows about it!”

“I do,” Max says. “The Chowdown Palace was the first place I worked at. One of the chef's specialties was that soup. Everyone tried to duplicate it, but they never could because of the secret ingredient that he never told anyone about. That knowledge died with him. Now I want you to make me some Kitareen soup exactly as it was originally made!”

“Okay, okay! I can handle this, just give me a minute.” He then thumbs through his booklet and speaks into the food dispenser.

Several minutes pass. Some sparks shoot out the machine and there's a faint smell of brimstone in the air. Finally, it dings, and a steaming bowl of soup appears.

Max takes the bowl in his hands and inhales the aroma. He then dips a spoon into it and swishes it inside his mouth while Bruce and Trixie look on anxiously. He takes another sip and does the same.

“Very good, very, very good. But not good enough,” he says. “It’s close, but not the same. I call this contract null and void for failing to deliver a food item as requested.”

Bruce heaves a huge sigh of relief at the news. Trixie hugs Max.

“Congratulations, you’ve done what no one else has ever done before. I’ll be going now and taking my dispenser with me, if you don’t mind. I’ll be seeing you again, at least one of you that is,” the man says. The food dispenser and man then disappear in a puff of sulfurous smelling smoke.

Trixie and Max both look at Bruce.

“Why does everyone always look at me?” he says as he starts to walk away.

“Hold on!” Max calls out. You’re not getting off that easy. I have a task for you to do to make sure you don’t sign any more contracts without clearing it with me or the boss.”

“Uh, okay. What? Bruce says meekly.

“Follow me,” Bruce says.

******

A week later Blanche and Trixie are busy filling orders when Max walks in and goes behind the bar to start working.

Blanche walks up to him to place her order. After giving Max the order, she offhandedly asks about Bruce to him while waiting.

“What happened to Bruce? I haven’t seen him the last couple days.”

“He’s busy right now,” Max says, smiling at her. “He should be back in a few days.”

“What is he doing, if I may ask,” Blanche says.

“You know the problems we’ve been having with the plumbing in the zombie room? He’s overhauling it.”

“Ewwww,” Blanche exclaims.

THE END

Bio: "I have submitted other stories for Aphelion as well as Schlock! magazine. I have stories published in Anthologies Of Poets, Spies and Unearthliness, A Dickensian Steamfantasy-A very different 1800’s and Exomoons- Natural and Unnatural Astronomical Bodies Orbiting Strange Planets by Rogue Planet Press. I am now fully retired, and I can now write in my new home."

E-mail: Randolph Stuart

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