Alien Ordinance

Excuse me, Third Lieutenant. There is an anomaly in the flight path.

"Thank you, Turing. Can we plot around the obstruction?"

"Let me know when you have results, Turing."

Third Lieutenant Carl Higenby put his feet up on the console and closed his eyes. Nothing ever went wrong on an outer patrol. That was why the crew slept away the duty and monitored everything in five shifts of four man teams. The teams each had an officer, a pilot, a navigator, and an engineer. A pilot and a navigator on team two had gotten into a knife fight and had to be left in stasis. The corresponding members from lower teams were sent up to make senior officers jobs easier. The Captain had team one. The XO had team two. First Lieutenant Gormley had team three. Second Lieutenant Harris led team four. None of them were going to run a short crew nor were they going to pull extra shifts. That meant that Carl would be doing his tour with just Junior Engineer, Dormer. Kip Dormer would be first team engineer if it wasn't for three things: his low rank, his copious body odor, and his tendency to spend a bit too long in the privy. None of these factors bothered Carl much as it leads to him having the most capable natural engineer on ship working his team. Turing could plot courses and astro-navigate as well as any crew member. Dormer took care of almost every problem beyond that. That left a lot of time for a Third Lieutenant to read, watch films, pretty much do whatever. He ruled the upper decks and Dormer did his thing in the lower decks which he purposefully didn't think about.

"Report."

"WHAT? It is in space. It is a vacuum. I mean like no air. Explain yourself, Turing!"

"Vaguely, I suppose."

"Now that you mention it, I do remember that. It was interesting enough to take note of. Why?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I heard you the first time, Turing! How is that possible? How is it oxygenating? How is it hydrated? Just how everything for God sakes?"

"I thought you said there was no physical obstruction, Turing!"

"Turing: Intercom. DORMER, GET UP HERE NOW."

"What a surprise! That man is a vile corpuscle on the Fleet."

"Shut up, Turing!"

"Can you hail that thing?"

"Well...?"

"Fine. In the meantime, Turing: Intercom. DORMER, GET UP HERE NOW!"

"Finally. It took him long enough."

"No, Turing, I have no desire to know what the alien outside our ship who is as large as an old Earth battleship has to say."

"That was sarcasm, Turing."

"Was that sarcasm, Turing?"

"Just give me the message, please!"

"That sounds threatening. We should prepare to wake the Captain and all the teams. We may have a hostile life form."

"Turing, warm up the main guns and shields. Prepare to sound general alert and begin crew stasis interruption."

Dormer came walking on the bridge smiling his dumb smile. Carl wanted to punch it off his face. How could he smile at a time like this?

"Hey LT, what's going on?"

"We are under attack by an alien species that is what. Quickly, man a science station. I am about to wake everybody up so we can kill this thing before it stops talking and starts attacking."

"Whoa, LT, what did it say anyway?"

"I will tell you what it said! Turing, play the message back!"

"Umm LT? I don't think it is hostile necessarily."

"What the hell do you mean?"

"I assume an organic entity that can space travel is hermetically sealed somehow, correct, Turing?"

"How far has it traveled, Turing?"

"Estimate."

"What the hell are you getting at, Dormer? We need to get ready to fight!"

"Turing, play the message again."

"That sounds pretty hostile to me, Junior Engineer. Prepare to wake the crew and attack."

"LT, if you traveled over 100 light years and were completely airtight; do you think it is possible when you got to where you are going you might have to poop?"

The look on the Third Lieutenant's face was priceless. Dormer had the kind of grin you would expect. They both swore afterward they might have heard, Turing laugh.

"Turing, tell him just to proceed to Earth's coordinates. He can take a dump there. Our race has been crapping on the planet for years."

"LT, did you just make a doody joke?"

There was definitely a sound that time. It was an undeniable snicker. It actually was more of a stifled guffaw.

"Turing, did you just laugh?"

The two crew members both laughed so hard that Turing had to activate the automatic medical drones to see to them.

THE END

Bio: Ed Sullivan is an enthusiastic newcomer to getting published. He has been writing fiction for twenty five years. He has taken the leap just recently and begun submitting. He raises his daughter, works, writes, and spends time in his own strange thoughts most days. His last Aphelion appearance was Far Darrig in our April, 2014 edition.

E-mail: Ed Sullivan

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