by S.P. Nicolee
It took me some time to climb the stairs, but I was in no hurry. There was time; or rather, time meant nothing at a time like this. Everything and nothing meant nothing. I never thought about what I was about to do as an end but more as a crossing over, leaping from one journey to another journey. My journey in this life had come and gone, I walked through it and now it was time to go.
As I came out from the stairwell and stepped onto the roof of the six story parking garage, the sun was shining and the snow was falling from the scattered clouds rolling overhead. The snowflakes swirled and fluttered to the ground as if Mother Nature herself was gently blowing them from off her hands.
I walked to the edge and looked over the little city down below. I thought, How appropriate to do it here. My mother was in the emergency room next door for some pains she was having in her stomach. I had been waiting in the car and then I felt an impulse to come here, like something was pulling me. Ever since the day I got that letter back, marked 'addressee-deceased', I have not felt the same. A part of my soul was gone. My life had not been what it should have been, but at least I had seen him long ago, at least I got to fall in love with him, but now what is there left?
I could feel the snow hit my face and then melt away. I looked to the sky and in one easy move; I hoisted myself up onto the wall. I stood there, watching the snowflakes swirl around me. I licked my lips and smiled as I heard the most beautiful voice.
'Hurry' it said.
I felt my heels lift off the cement, my body falling forward. The wind swept up, pulling my hair back. I felt nothing, not even the cold air rushing past me.
Everything was done. The girls were on their own now; it had been my mission to make sure they were taken care of and so that's what I had done, I took care of them, sacrificing my heart and my only love to do so. I was leaving nothing behind, except broken hearts but they have so much more to live for.
I closed my eyes as the ground grew closer.
Behind my closed eyes, I could see green trees, green grass, and I could smell the scent of sea water on the wind. I heard the sound of metal, the sound of grinding metal, the sound of a torch cutting through metal. Then I heard music, "DSM" playing through the trees, I ran down the sidewalk, heading for the north door of the welders dorm. As I came around the corner, all my old friends were standing around and listening to the music, and then I saw my love standing against the door that I had always met him by, smiling at me. As I came walking up to him, he was as young as the last time I had seen him, and in the glass door behind him, I could see myself as I had looked all those years ago, forever young.
My eyes were open now. I stared up at a blue sky with no snow clouds in sight. I lay there thinking, I'm still alive, body broken to pieces, probably never walk again. Then someone was leaning over me, looking down at me.
"What took you so long?" he asked. He got down on his knees beside me and kissed my forehead and then my lips; I blinked as if his kiss had brought me to life.
It was my face of heaven, the beautiful one, the most precious one, the perfect one, my heart, my soul and he was real. I could feel his lips on mine and felt his breathe against my cheek; I felt the warmth of his body radiate against mine.
He hit my arm, like a little boy too shy to tell a girl he likes her. "Get up, we have to go," he said, jumping to his feet, as if we had just seen other, as if a whole decade and a half had not passed us by.
I sat up and watched him walk down the snow covered knoll. He turned around, smoking a cigarette as always, holding his other hand out to me, beckoning.
"Hurry" he said, and I recognize the voice that drew me up to the roof.
I looked down at my feet. One shoe was gone, and I looked around, "Wait, my shoe is gone." I said to him.
"Ah, fuck your shoe," he said, "Just come on."
So I got up and as I walked toward him, I took my sock off and dropped it, then I untied my other shoe, hopping on one bare foot. As soon as it came off, I tossed it to the side, then peeled off my other sock and threw that behind me.
He smiled, looking down at my feet.
"Always barefoot..." he said.
"What can I say, I'm a child of nature," I said to him, shrugging my shoulders.
As he took my hand in his, I realized my hand fit into his as if it was made for only him; our fingers interlaced, my finger, his finger, my finger, his finger, my finger, his finger, my finger, his finger and then our thumbs overlapping.
He tightened his grip and then kissed the back of my hand.
"Don't let go this time or we'll get separated, like last time. I had to search five... ten... fourteen different dimensions looking for you before I found you in that last one," he said. "And there's what? Seventy-three dimensions?"
I nodded and wrapped my other hand around his and then he kissed my hand again. He tossed his cigarette aside and reached up and touched my cheek and then kissed me on the mouth, his lips sweet.
"You said we belonged together for all eternity -- and eternity isn't over by a long shot," he said smiling.
It was then the most amazing thing happened. My mind quickly ran through a series of images that seemed to go back to the beginning of time. I closed my eyes as I watched each one flash in and out of my head. Our clothes changed, our hair, even the color of our skin and eyes, but in each image, I recognized the two of us. We had loved each other and followed the other throughout hundreds of life times.
I felt his finger hit my chin and I opened my eyes. There was a bright light opening like a window curtain, not far from where we stood.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
"I'm always ready when I'm with you," I said to him.
He smiled and turned away, but I pulled him back and turned him around to face me. "I missed you. I died every day I was without you." I felt a single tear drop down from my eye.
He put both his hands on my face, wiping the tear away, and then kissed me deeply and passionately. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, not wanting to let go, not wanting to leave this place, whereever this place is. I felt my heart mending and melting to his in that moment; I knew I had finally found my way back to him. He was forever mine and I was forever his; he knew this the moment we met in the other life, the last life, that's why he would stare at me with patience and understanding. Hoping I would come around to realize we belonged together.
"Don't let go," he said, he commanded.
"I won't," I said as he took my hand and again I double wrapped my other hand around his.
"Okay," he said and we headed for the light. I held on tightly as the light engulfed us.
Even now, as I sit here and he passed on to the other side again, I can still feel his hand in mine. Throughout this life that we lived in, we had somehow got separated in the end, in the void. We were reborn into different lives but had found each other again, like we did before, like we always did. But I sensed something in the void, something that didn't want us together, and it had followed us to this world. Right before we chose our paths for this life, it came and tore us apart. It flung me across the void and I could hear him screaming my name but it was too late. So instead of us spending this mortal life together, that thing interceded and pushed our lives apart. I only had spent a year with him and so much had happened that we went separate ways. Years went by and I searched for him but could not find him and because we were never reunited, he took his own life and I came too late to save him.
I have come to believe that somewhere along the way someone cursed us in one of those previous lives. A curse that will try to follow us for eternity, but I believe as long he knows I love him and that he loves me, it will never come between us, nothing not even a curse is going to destroy our love. Now my deeds are done for this life and I look forward to seeing his face once again. Perhaps on the other side, we will demolish what ever this curse is, come back and live happily, there is nothing like living a mortal life with all its pleasures.
I hear him whispering for me to come, to hurry...he waits for me.
© 2009 S. P. Nicolee
Bio: S. P. Nicolee is a Native American who lives in Idaho with her two beautiful daughters, and a cat, who, though evicted for bad behavior, still hangs around the back door. (Bob the hampster is presumably relieved to have a door or two separating him from the cat...). This story was inspired by feelings following the death of an old friend (writing as therapy -- something we can all understand).
E-mail: S. P. Nicolee
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