The Somewhat True Adventures Of Dorothy Quinn

Between the times when the oceans drank Atlantis and Robert E. Howard sued the narrator for copyright infringement, the New York Public Library went about its usual day within the fantastic kingdom known as Manhattan. The city itself was a wondrous place, with shining silver skyscrapers, adventure around every corner, and the occasional assortment of hot dog-tacos that both tasted terrible and defied nature itself—but the most wondrous of all lay behind the doors of the seemingly unassuming library …

It was right after Dorothy Quinn's lunch break when the Cyclops came lunging from behind the corner, eager to taste the flesh of a freshly roasted librarian. The forty-five year old keeper of the adventure section rushed behind a corner, both terrified of the monstrous beast, and panting from exhaustion while deeply regretting the Pop-Tarts she had for breakfast that morning. However, some fruit juice and toast would not save her now, as the Cyclops, looking like he had suddenly gained the ability to smell her fear, turned the corner and eyed his prey with a hungry look on his face. Roaring his terrible roar (much like what would have been heard by Odysseus and his men), the one-eyed giant chased Dorothy through the halls, swiping at her left and right as Dorothy Quinn raced towards the checkout desk. She sped left through a sharp corner as the cyclops narrowly missed her once again. As the cyclops turned the corner to catch up with her, he sniffed around, having no sight of his terrified prey. However, just when he was about to give up and hope that there was a tasty hot dog vendor down the street, he heard a creeeaaak … behind him. The giant turned around to find the one weakness of any monster—a thirty-foot tall bookshelf tilting over and about to crush him flat. Perhaps I underestimated the librarian, the cyclops thought as the giant shelf fell on top of him, flattening the beast and dispersing his soul into the text from whence he came.

As the dust cleared, Dorothy Quinn, still shaking off the dust and assorted literature, stumbled out from where she had pushed the shelf onto the Cyclops and walked over to where his book lay. Dusting off this first edition copy of The Odyssey, she walked over and put it back on the shelf, double checking to make sure that the book was still in tip-top shape for some random Joe to pick it off the shelf once again. She just hoped it didn't release any more monsters from now on—it had a nasty habit of releasing fictional beasts into the real world at the worst times—though most of the other books in the library had the same problem. Could be worse, she thought to herself. It could be like last week when the Hound of the Baskervilles escaped and tried to eat those kindergartners! Laughing at the black humor she sometimes valued on days like this, Dorothy Quinn reminded herself to get the janitor to clean up the fallen shelf while going down to check on things at the checkout section. Just another day at the library, she thought.

Things were pretty regular at the checkout section—the occasional pixie giving small children wedgies, another customer borrowing the Necronomicon Ex Mortis for a weekend trip to his cabin in the woods (seriously, when WAS someone going to throw that thing out?), and, most rarely, the occasional teenager asking for computer help. Average stuff that would make the day drag on for someone who dreamed of adventure as much as Dorothy Quinn. As keeper of the adventure section in the library, Dorothy would often have hours on end to pour over the infinite classics under her care—as long as none of the creatures from any of them escaped, but that was a different story. While Dorothy loved her job at the library and would trade it for no other—I mean, where else was she going to work, at Apple?—she often dreamed of going on such adventures as the characters in those stories that she would give out daily. Fighting dragons, riding horses, discovering lost treasures and whatnot—Dorothy wished she could do stuff like that in real life. Alas, though, such fantasies were naught but a fool's dream … and she did NOT mean that time the Sandman got out and put everyone in magical comas.

* * *

It was during this time in the story where Dorothy dreamt of adventure when the greatest enemy of any librarian arrived once again for their daily conflict—the late returner. These fiends from the darkest depths of the library's nightmares would come in and borrow the books for months on end, rarely even paying the late fee when their stolen property was to be returned. Thou venomous sloth-mongers! Such starveling elf's tongue stockfish! And as Dorothy hated this part of her job, it was part of her sacred oath (which admittedly she made up herself) to do battle with this army of laziness and thievery whenever any of them reared their ugly head. However, she was a trained professional after all, and always handled any of these situations with the class and dignity as befitted anyone of her valued station.

"Oh, hey, sorry I returned this a little late. I know it's only a month behind though, so is there any way I can avoid—"

"Hal Grantwood, your crimes against this library have invoked the Trial By Duel. For the act of returning a book late, you are sentenced to combat by fencing. Draw thy sword! Or, you know, you can pay the small fine and avoid the humiliation."

Dorothy was not surprised when Mr. Grantwood picked the combat. Seriously, they would do anything to avoid paying the late fee.

Oh, who was Dorothy kidding—this was the best part of the job! Whenever a late returner would enter this house of fantasy and learning, looking for an escape from their crimes, she would undergo the classic trial by combat—dueling the late returner to the death! Or, at least, until the guy was scared enough of the crazy librarian with a fencing foil to surrender.

Luckily, this was one of those cowardly days for her opponent, who stood in the lobby shaking like a scared leaf as he tried to hold the epee that Dorothy had tossed to him in the most intimidating manner possible. This would do him no good though, as Dorothy had crossed blades with hundreds of his kind before.

Dorothy looked her opponent square in the eye as she drew her sword. "I'll give you one last chance here—we can walk away right now if you want. All you have to do is pay the late fee."

No response. Whether it was fear, defiance, or both, Dorothy frowned at the lack of variety in any of these guys. Still, she smiled at the battle to come.

"So be it."

The duel, much like any other, was like a ballet for Ms. Quinn—crossing swords the same as an arabesque, each parry and attack like a plie or passe practiced hundreds of times before the big show. She was a master swordswoman in these halls—unlike the fifty-year-old lawyer in front of her who was clearly mimicking any move he had seen from that hack Errol Flynn as he desperately tried to defend himself. With each slash!, clash!, and slice!, the two crossed swords time and time again, the sound of colliding steel echoed throughout the library. Surely this would be a duel for ages...in any other story. However, in the mind of Dorothy Quinn, a fight like this could only end one way. And in one way it did end—with one final flick of her blade, Dorothy knocked the sword from her opponent's hand, sending the epee flying into the air only for Dorothy to catch it in her free hand. Setting it down on a table with the gentleness of an autumn wind, Dorothy held her own blade to the throat of Hal Grantwood, silently assuring him that despite the massive difference in their bank accounts, the librarian had won this day.

"That'll be twenty dollars and fifty cents for the late fee," she added to the humiliated lawyer, who sulked over to the checkout desk to metaphorically pay the piper. "And thank you for choosing the New York Public Library—where adventure can be found on every page!" If only that were true for the rest of the world, she thought to herself as she trudged back to the adventure section, resigning herself to another average day at the library.

However, as much as Dorothy would expect just that, as she went back up to the adventure section, she realized immediately that something was amiss—the shelf that she knocked over to defeat the Cyclops earlier was set up straight again, she entire room was covered in an ethereal glow, as if from some higher being beyond the limits of time, space, and form—and not to mention, strangest of all … the bottle of water she had left on one of the desks was moved slightly to the left! What is going on here? Dorothy thought to herself as she cautiously drew her sword once again, slowly tiptoeing through each corridor as she tried to find the source of all this new weirdness. However, just as she was about to give up, another burst of light emerged from the shadows, wiping away any source of darkness and blowing Dorothy down to the ground as she looked up and witnessed the culmination of all that was truly spectacular in the universe.

* * *

Okay, maybe that last line was a bit overkill, but Dorothy still marveled at the cosmic being that had landed in front of her. It looked to her like a giant head, not unlike something from a Judy Garland movie or a Jack Kirby comic book, and stared down at the bewildered hero with a sense of ominousness and pure power that Dorothy could not decide to cower in fear of or bow down to like an eldritch god of some ancient tribe. As she was contemplating her next option, the figure spoke, its words echoing throughout the room and reverberating off the ancient wooden walls.

'DOROTHY QUINN," the voice boomed. "IN YOUR MANY YEARS GUARDING THESE HALLOWED SHELVES, YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE A RIGHTEOUS HERO, A BRAVE CRUSADER FOR RIGHT AND JUSTICE … NOT TO MENTION A REALLY GOOD SWORDFIGHTER."

Dorothy blushed at that last part, but let the strange deity continue.

"FOR YOUR MIGHTY DEEDS AND AMAZING BADASSNESS, YOU ARE TASKED TO EMBARK ON A GREAT AND NOBLE—"

"Wait a minute," Dorothy chimed in. "How do I know you're not some massive hallucination? I mean, I've seen some pretty weird stuff working here, but Hydras and the Hound of the Baskervilles coming to life and trying to kill you is one thing. Now all of a sudden I've got a giant head in the middle of my library which is starting to make me wonder—"

"ENOUGH!," the giant head interrupted. "I AM AN ANCIENT BEING FROM THE BEGINNINGS OF THE UNIVERSE! I AM OLDER THAN TIME ITSELF AND ONLY THE POWER OF TEN MILLION EXPLODING SUNS WOULD HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE ME! AND BESIDES, YOU'VE SEEN DEMONIC DOGS AND MULTI-HEADED DRAGONS; I DOUBT A TALKING HEAD WOULD REALLY SWAY YOUR BELIEF NOW!"

Dorothy considered the words of the talking head, and silently acknowledged that he had a point.

"ANYWAY," the voice continued. "YOU SHALL GO ON A GREAT AND NOBLE QUEST TO BRING HOPE AND INSPIRATION TO THE PEOPLE OF MANHATTAN IN THESE DARK TIMES. YOU SHALL GO AND FIND THE MacGuffin STONE, A MYSTICAL ARTIFACT OF GREAT POWER WHICH SHALL ENGRAVE ANYONE WHO FINDS IT IN THE BOOK OF LEGENDS FOR ALL TIME!"

Dorothy looked shocked at this task set before her. "You know, that sounds like a good idea! I mean, my shift ends in like ten minutes, so that works out perfectly!"

"OF COURSE IT DOES! I PLANNED IT THAT WAY!" The giant voice boomed once again. "DOROTHY QUINN, IT IS YOUR SACRED TASK TO SEEK THE STONE. INDEED, THIS QUEST IS WHAT YOUR HEROISM HAS ALL BEEN LEADING UP TO—THE QUEST FOR THE MacGuffin STONE!"

With these final words for Dorothy Quinn, the head began to vanish into the air from whence it came. Before it completely disappeared, however, Dorothy had one final question.

"Um … quick question before I start out?" the librarian asked the massive behemoth. "If you're this all-powerful being, where are you from exactly?"

"WHERE IS A DREAM FROM? WHERE IS THAT SPARK OF INSPIRATION BORN THAT LEADS HUMANITY ON THEIR QUESTS FOR GLORY AND ADVENTURE? … ADMITTEDLY, I'M NOT QUITE SURE, BUT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT'S WHERE I'M FROM."

"Aha!" the librarian concluded. "So you really ARE from inside my head!"

"WHAT? I … NO! BUT REALLY… OK, THAT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD POINT." The head bowed to Dorothy, as if seeing things from her point of view, before finally vanishing to wherever it came from.

A quest to find the legendary MacGuffin Stone! What the giant head had assigned to her suddenly hit Dorothy like a sack of bricks to the cerebellum! The librarian scratched her auburn hair and remembered all of the ancient texts that she had read concerning the powerful artifact. Dating back to Arthurian times, the MacGuffin Stone was said to have been the power behind every miracle and strange occurrence of the last two thousand years—The Tunguska Incident, the creation of Stonehenge, and the rise of Twilight to the top of the bestsellers list! It was a source of power that could be used for great good—or great evil, and Dorothy knew that someone had to find it before it fell into the wrong hands. However, for but a brief moment, a twinge of doubt fell over the librarian's head. Can I really do this? she thought to herself. Am I ready to leave the relative comfort and safety of this monster-infested library and go out into the world to find a rock that may or may not exist? She contemplated these doubts to herself for a total of thirty seconds, and decided not to waste her rejection of the call.

Of course I can do this! That's what heroes do!

And with these motivational words to guide her, Dorothy punched out of the library and got her gear together. Dusting off and sheathing her finest epee, a silver sword she had named Checkout, donning some leftover armor from the medieval exhibit that had made a week-long home in the lobby, and grabbing a towel from her office to tie around her neck. After all, no hero is complete without an awesome cape.

Dorothy ran outside in her new knight's getup and unlocked her faithful scooter from its rack. The scooter, known as Silversharp, had been Dorothy's faithful companion since the tender age of eighteen, and had carried her everywhere she went in the strange city known as Manhattan. "Are you ready, old boy?" Dorothy asked her steadfast friend.

The scooter vroomed, as if to tell her that it was ready for whatever adventure faced them that day.

"Then let's go!" Dorothy shouted. Kicking up the scooter stander-upper-thingy, Dorothy raced down the street while ignoring the newfound pebble in her shoe, confident that this adventure would not be one she would soon forget.

* * *

Meanwhile, about fifty blocks away, Sunford Patrick Jr. was setting up his makeshift fortune teller booth, hoping the cardboard and stolen curtains would hold this time. Known as "Sunny P" to his friends and enemies alike, he a was a grifter and wannabe con artist by trade, eager to make an easy buck by playing the wise old soothsayer—despite the fact that he was thirty and looked too much like James McAvoy to play the old man archetype.

Nevertheless, Sunny P was confident—people love a good magic show, and there were enough suckers in this city to buy his ridiculousness for just long enough to make a profit. However, as much as he had faith in this philosophy, he did not expect such ridiculousness to come to him.

So imagine his surprise when a middle-aged woman, dressed as a knight rode up on a old silver scooter, rambling about some magic stone and her quest to find it.

"Please, wise old soothsayer." Dorothy asked between pants—while also reminding herself to work on her cardio when this whole thing was done—"I beseech thee to tell me the location of the MacGuffin Stone! It is my sacred quest to find it."

Sunny P had no idea what she was talking about, but held back his snarkiness just this once—he had a show to put on! Whipping out a crystal ball that he stole from behind the magic shop, Sunny P grabbed Dorothy's hands in a fortune teller-like way.

"Now listen closely, dear woman," Sunny P began in his most over-the-top accent. "If you don't want to stick around for the three-card monte tournament later, what you seek is in this city! The spirits are telling me such stories about the … Whatever Rock that you look for …"

"What spirits?" Dorothy asked.

Oh boy … Sunny P thought. "Oh, many of them, like … Obsideus the All-Seeing, Marilyn Monroe … Thor, maybe …"

"Of course!" Dorothy realized! Thank God, she's falling for it … Sunny P thought as began to continue. "Now then, where was I? Anyway—"

"HEY, SUNNY P! WE TOLD YOU, THIS IS OUR BLOCK!"

Goblins. Why did it always have to be goblins?

"Oh … you must be the mighty goblins that guard this street! I welcome you to my humble temple of mystery! Enter inside where you can … gaze upon such … wonderiffic curiotronics such as my crystal ball!

As if the goblins and readers alike needed more proof that this guy was a humbug, Sunny P whipped out his fake crystal ball, eager to make sure that the turban he fashioned out of an old bath towel did not fall off his head. He was disappointed, though, when one of the goblins swiped the trinket out of his hand, letting it smash to the concrete floor below.

Dorothy wasn't quite sure what the Goblins wanted—perhaps money, jewels, the key to some ancient artifact to control the universe—though what little she did hear involved several curse words and something about the sage owing money. But she knew what she had to do, despite the slight discomfort of a pebble in her shoe. She was a hero, after all.

And so it came to pass that Sunny P witnessed a truly glorious battle that day, most of which involved a forty-five year old librarian chasing around goblins with a sword while dressed in armor and a towel tied around her shoulders like a cape. He wasn't quite sure whether to be grateful or just plain confused, and stared at the battle with a quiet "Whaaaaaaat …?" look on his face as each clash of sword against the back of a goblin rang out in the afternoon sky. Inevitably though, the knight prevailed against such evildoers, and the goblin gang ran off like scared children. Though one of them managed to get back to his feet and throw a punch at the confused con artist, Sunny P dodged the blow and knocked the goblin on his face. The goblin then scampered away to join its foul brethren. Though Sunny P and Dorothy might have heard them say "We'll be back, we'll make you wish you'd never ran into us!" they could not worry about that for now.

Dorothy ran over to the ancient sage and helped the bewildered man to his feet. "Are you all right, wise and gentle sage? I saw you punch that goblin; you demonstrate the heart of a true knight errant."

Sunny P had no idea what she was talking about, but he was never one to turn down a compliment. "Well, you know, you just gotta fight for right, and … battle ancient demons and … stuff …"

"Well spoken!" Dorothy replied to her new friend. "You know, I could use a brave companion on my quest for the MacGuffin Stone. Will you join me, good sir?"

Sunny P stood silent. On the one hand, it wasn't every day that he was offered the chance of adventure, but on the other hand, this woman seemed completely bonkers. Sense of curiosity or common sense? What to do, what to do …?

"Now normally, I'd love to go," Sunny P finally answered. "But considering everything that's been going on, I have to water my Aunt Petunia, my dog just ate my replacement crystal ball, I'm just going to have to say—"

"It'll be great! Once we're done, we'll have glory and treasure beyond our wildest dreams!"

Sunny P could barely stop himself from replying. "I'm in!"

With that, Dorothy pulled out her sword and poked it into the ground. "Then kneel, wise and definitely genuine fortune teller." Sunny P did so, assuming that this would be one of those knighting ceremonies kind of thing.

"Good sir … whatever your name is, having displayed a noble heart and mind …"

(Sunny P tried not to chuckle at that last part).

"I hereby make you my honorary squire, to ride with me wherever the wind takes us, and to serve with me in manners of heroism and righteousness throughout the rest of our days."

Sunny P looked up at the knight in front of him, and figured he didn't have much to lose.

"Sounds good to me. Oh, and by the way, my name's Sunny P."

"Dorothy Quinn, keeper of adventures in the New York Library."

With that, our two heroes rose from where they were and raced off into the heart of Manhattan. Dorothy rode like a true knight on the back of Silversharp, with Sunny P behind her holding on for dear life. As the two then ventured forth in search of adventure, neither had any idea of the strange and wondrous quest that awaited them.

* * *

After about ten minutes and thirty-seven seconds of riding, Dorothy brought Silversharp to a sudden halt in front of a large silver building that seemed to reach almost to the heavens. The Empire State Building, it was called, and Dorothy just knew that the answers to where she had to go just lay beyond those doors.

"Um … Dorothy, are you sure that this is where you're supposed to go to get directions?" asked Sunny P, who was already questioning his decision to go on this quest.

"Of course!" Dorothy confidently responded. "This spire of wonder and hope lies in the very center of the city! All the knowledge we seek lies within if we can just get past—"

"Halt!" A booming voice cried out in front of them.

Sunny P gulped as the largest man he had ever seen marched out in front of the door to the Empire State Building. He was dressed in a frock of green and gold, decorated in iron armor that made Sunny P shudder in his boots. The grey-haired behemoth shifted his doorman's cap while clutching a massive sword in his hand. While Sunny P fought the urge to turn around and return to where he started, Dorothy marched forward with a confident swagger befitting of a knight.

"Halt!" The large man ordered, as several more men dressed in his armor and carrying equally large weapons ran out of the building to back him up. "By order of the Knights of Dor-Man, you are hereby ordered to stand down!"

Dorothy gasped! The Knights of Dor-Man! She knew them well, as they were feared far and wide one of the most elite fighting forces in Manhattan. Having guarded the doorways to every skyscraper in the city since the beginning, she knew better than to trifle with such a force.

Dorothy knelt before the knights in a respectful sort of fashion, squirming a bit as the pebble in her shoe shifted to the back,while Sunny P looked on in bewilderment. "Please, good knights, I meant no disrespect—but I must enter the building to gain the answers that I seek."

For a moment, there was only silence. However, it was momentarily broken by Dorothy whacking Sunny P on the leg. "Kneel, before they slice you up!" Dorothy whispered.

"Relax, I've got this." Sunny P responded. Having spent most of his life exploring the streets of Manhattan, he knew how this sort of thing worked. Getting out his wallet, he approached the knights with a confident and reassuring smile on his face.

Walking up to the knights and putting his arm on one of their shoulders, Sunny P desperately tried to break the ice. "Fellas, fellas," he began. "What my armored friend is trying to say is that we REALLY need to get inside this building. She thinks that we can find directions to this magic rock inside—"

"MacGuffin Stone!" Dorothy reminded him.

"Right, MacGuffin Stone, and I was wondering—could you hook a guy up and just let us in?" Sunny P gave the doormen his best attempt at an innocent smile.

Total silence.

"OK then." Sunny P pulled out his wallet and fished out some bills to hand to the doormen. "I know how this works. Now let's see … we've got Jackson, Hamilton—oh, a fifty, sweet! Now then, I think that's enough to—"

It was at this point where Sunny P started to regret joining this quest. Having a giant sword at your throat will do that to a person.

With that unpleasantness having just begun, Sunny P and Dorothy got back on Silversharp, zooming away as soon as the engine roared to life. Close behind, the angry knights chased after them, keeping a close distance despite running on foot. Pausing from being terrified, Sunny P reminded himself to ask about their exercise techniques.

With Dorothy at the helm, occasionally yelling "Mush!" to her inanimate scooter, the two zoomed through streets and blocks, weaving around different buildings like a taxi with five minutes to reach its destination. As Sunny P thought the chase would never end, though, the two stopped in the middle of one street that was not familiar to him. Meanwhile, the knights continued to run after them, waving their swords in anger. However, just as Dorothy drew her sword, preparing for the fight of the century, the knights stopped dead in their tracks. Dorothy looked at the knights in confusion, and frowned as they ran for their lives. Dang it! she thought. I really wanted to fight those guys!

Sunny P, relieved that this was all over, shakily got off of Silversharp and walked over to Dorothy. "Well," he started. "I'm glad that's over. But where do we go from—"

"Wait." Dorothy put her hand to Sunny P's mouth. Though all seemed lost at first, she now knew where they had found themselves. "We're here."

"Wait, what?!" Sunny P was even more confused now than ever. "Dorothy, what are you talking about? Where are we?!"

As the two of them looked up, Sunny P's mouth dropped open as they recognized the building. They stood in the temporarily abandoned Square of Time, which could only mean one thing.

The two heroes gulped as they entered the long-abandoned Castle Toyrus.

* * *

"Now this is what I call a stroke of good luck!" Dorothy called out as she and Sunny P wandered the dark and empty castle. "We may not have gotten answers from the Empire Building, but it's said that the former inhabitants of this place had some knowledge, or a map of some kind, about where the MacGuffin Stone is!"

"Wait … how do you know all of this?" a confused Sunny P asked. "Seems a bit out of nowhere, almost like an omniscient narrator didn't know how to give you the proper knowledge of this quest and just decided to pull the information out of thin air out of a sense of laziness."

"Trust me kid, when you're in my line of work, you can find anything!" Dorothy said proudly.

Sunny P grumbled. Librarians … eh, fair point, though, he thought.

As the two wandered farther and farther up the stairs of the long forgotten castle, Dorothy remembered what she learned about the history of those once-illustrious halls. Once a home of the ancient toymakers of Manhattan, the castle was a paradise for children, as well as those seeking a little more wonder and magic in the world. However, after many years of wonder and fun, it fell into ruin, something about not having enough customers. After that, the castle was abandoned and eventually forgotten—though some said that the former inhabitants haunted the place. Such rumors were dismissed as silly ghost stories, though …

"Hey, Sunny P, look over here!" Dorothy called. Having made her way past the crumbling Ferris wheel and reaching the top floor of the castle, she had found a collection of scrolls and ancient tomes beneath the feet of a giant dinosaur statue. Man, what this place was like in its heyday … Dorothy thought as she fished through different scrolls.

Meanwhile, Sunny P tried to find his own way up to the top floor. Wandering through an abandoned hall of dusty and forgotten dolls, he felt a profound sense of isolation—as well as a sense of being creeped out. Struggling to find his way out of the hall in the dim light, he thought to himself— Is this quest really worth it?

He started leaning his answer towards no when he heard the shuffling of footsteps behind him as several doll-related catchphrases started to echo in the air.

* * *

Back on the top floor, Dorothy smiled to herself and let out a cry of triumph! At long last, she had found the map to the MacGuffin Stone! All that was left to do now was to get Sunny P and get out of—

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Dorothy whipped her head around to hear the sound. Was that Sunny P?, she thought. Cautiously drawing her sword, she walked forward, ready for the incoming danger. However, barely had she reached a foot outside of the T-Rex statue when she ran smack into Sunny P!

"Oh, hey!" Dorothy helped Sunny P to his feet with a happy grin. "Good news, I found a map to the MacGuffin Stone! All we have to do is cross through Central Park and—"

"DOROTHY! KILLER DOLLS! CHASING US! NEED TO RUN!"

Clearly, Dorothy's squire was not in the mood for chitchat. Grabbing Dorothy's hand, he pulled the two of them towards the exit, as Dorothy battled confusion with the rising fear of that crawling sound behind them.

"Sunny P, what's going on? If it's a monster, then we can always do battle! We'll draw our swords and stand up to those hideous creatures! We can—"

Suddenly, like the scuttling of demonic rats across a porcelain floor, Dorothy and Sunny P turned around to see a giant swarm of toys chase after them! The squeaks, hoots, and tap-taps of the demonic playthings echoed throughout the castle as Dorothy and Sunny P resumed running for their lives.

"Forget it, let's keep running!" Dorothy shouted in fear, as swords would have no use against this horde. Fleeing down the broken-down escalators and through the dusty and aged halls, Dorothy and Sunny P struggled to make their way towards the exit while the army of playthings slowly caught up to them.

"What do we do?!" Sunny P cried, as he swatted a Baby Alive off of his shoulder.

"I'm not sure!" Dorothy admitted, as she truly had no idea how to defeat the childish legion that pursued them. Suddenly, however, something caught her attention—the rusted and creaking Ferris wheel above them!

"Sunny P, head to the Ferris wheel!" Dorothy shouted. "I've got a plan!"

Sunny P, not quite knowing how he was going to get out of this alive, ran over to the Ferris wheel, while Dorothy whipped out her sword and jammed it into the hydraulics. Meanwhile, Sunny P, following her lead, started to knock out some the heavy metal beams, hoping that whatever Dorothy had in mind would work.

Dorothy had just finished cutting the last wire loose and turning on the mechanical marvel when she heard a sudden CREEEEEEEEAK. Knowing that the wheel would soon fall, she quickly got up and ran, hoping that her plan would work.

"Whew!" Sunny P had just knocked the last beam loose when he heard the same CREEEEEEEEAK directly above his head. Snapping to his feet to run away, he suddenly heard a massive BOOM! as the Ferris wheel began to fall, crashing down on Sunny P like a mighty oak. Closing his eyes, the former con man awaited his end—only for a familiar arm to pull him out of the way. "Come on!" cried Dorothy as the two ran away from the crashing Ferris wheel. Behind them, the swarm of demon toys screamed in a collective high-pitched squeal as several tons of metal and stone crashed down upon their heads with a mighty BOOOOOOMM!!! Paying no mind to the cataclysm, Dorothy and Sunny P ran outside, jumped onto Silversharp, and just drove, not quite knowing or caring where they ended up next.

After another ten minutes of driving, Silversharp came to a slow and awkward stop in front of Central Park. The two heroes shakily dismounted the scooter and stood in front of the vast woods that lay before them.

Looking at the map, Dorothy tapped her foot, hoping to remove that annoying pebble, and pointed straight in front of them to the wooden path. "Alright, if we go over this way through the park, we can get to the MacGuffin Stone before the day's end! Come on, let's—"

"No." Dorothy turned around to see Sunny P with a look of resignation on his face.

"What are you talking about, dear squire? We've got to find—"

"Open your eyes, Dorothy!!!" For once, Sunny P had had enough of this adventure. After nearly dying thrice so far today, he had finally given up. "This MacGuffin Stone quest—it's not real! It's just some random thing in your head!"

Dorothy put down her sword as her face fell. "But Sunny—"

"But nothing! I've almost died three times today and I'm sick of it! This insanity isn't going to kill me today and I'm not going to follow some wannabe knight to find a stupid rock! I am DONE!"

With these final angry words, Sunny P stormed off into the park, leaving Dorothy behind as a light rain started to fall.

The librarian turned knight stared off at her former squire, and felt a similar anger rise up inside her.

"Well … fine! You wanna go back to that silly cardboard box? Be my guest! I'm going to find that stone with or without you, so … fine, I'm just going!"

Wiping her nose, Dorothy picked up her sword and rode into the forest, hoping that this quest would somehow end on a high note.

* * *

Wandering through the woods and cobblestone roads of Central Park, Sunny P had become a squire without a knight. Angrily remembering all the crazy stuff that librarian had put him through that day, Sunny P kicked aside several pebbles as he wandered down the dark and winding paths back home. One could practically hear angsty music playing overhead as he sulked through the softly falling rain. However, as more raindrops kept falling on the former con man's head, he began to feel a hint of remorse for his former companion. Maybe I was a little hard on Dorothy, he thought. Well, to be fair, she nearly killed me twice … but she did save me from those goblins … plus she actually thought I could be some kind of hero! Seriously … what was up with that? Sunny P pondered as he trudged ever deeper into the woods. Still … it was fun to play knight … even just for a minute …

As the former squire puzzled over his current situation, he came to a hill overlooking the park—with a fork in the road deciding his fate. There was the path to the left, which he could see would take him out of the woods and back to the cardboard booth from whence he came—and the path to the right … which he really had no idea what lay beyond that. However, he soon found a subtle hint of said mystery by the high-pitched plucking of a lute and some guy moaning in Old English some distance away. Over these sounds of Elizabethan drama, he could hear an audience collectively moan in boredom. "Curiouser and curiouser …" Sunny P thought as he walked down the rightmost path.

Meanwhile, in some other corner of Central Park, Dorothy cautiously rode Silversharp down a slick cobblestone path, eager as ever to find her way to the MacGuffin Stone. However, as much as she looked the part of righteous knight, a certain darkness loomed over the armor-clad librarian. As much as she felt betrayed by her former squire, she couldn't help but miss him. Eh, maybe he wasn't cut out for the adventurer's life anyway, she thought. I mean, I found him in a cardboard fortune teller booth, and I starting to think that was entirely legal! Though , she thought, he was fun to hang out with. Though in hindsight, maybe I should have given him his own scooter … she thought. Though she could apologize to Sunny P later, she had a quest to go on! The MacGuffin Stone was somewhere at the end of the park, and she had no time to lose before it fell into the wrong hands. However, as she started to speed up on Silversharp, she heard a strange rustling sound in the trees. "Did you hear that?" Dorothy asked. Silversharp roared his engine as if to agree with her. Drawing her sword, Dorothy dismounted her faithful scooter and cautiously stepped forward. "Who goes there?" she called into the trees. Suddenly, as if to answer her, a shape dropped down from the branch above her. Dorothy gulped in fear as she stood in front of the most terrifying opponent she had ever met—in all her years of heroism and danger, she had never met a force so unyielding in its might, and so cruel in its temper. Indeed, she might not come back from this battle alive.

Dorothy stood, ready to fight, as the squirrel in front of her twitched its head.

* * *

A few miles away, Sunny P had followed the theatrical sounds as far as he could, until he had reached a sort of hedge that blocked his view of what lay beyond. "Heh … like that'll stop me.", the former squire said to himself, as he flipped out his trusty pen knife, cutting away a few of the branches until he could successfully walk through the hedge. Once on the other side, he started to regret his words as he lay eyes on a truly horrifying sight. It was a performance of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet—and a bad one at that. As Sunny P watched in utter confusion, the actors fumbled through their lines with a dull look on their faces, and the music droned on, making the story about two hormonal teenagers marrying two hours after they met seem even more angstily stupid than usual. Eventually, Sunny P could watch no longer, deciding he had to continue on his way. No sooner had he turned around, however, did he here a whispered "Help …" from one of the back rows. Turning around to see the caller, he found the source of the sound—a middle-aged man who seemed especially nervous for such a boring production.

"What's going on?" Sunny P asked. "And how fast can you summarize it so I can get out of this freakshow?"

"Please—you have to help us!" the man whispered in a frightened tone. "The audience—we're here against our will. These crazy actors kidnapped us and forced us to watch their play! They won't let us leave!"

Sunny P looked out at the rest of the audience, who had the same frightened looks on their faces. As he looked closer still, they all seemed to be tied to their seats. Talk about a captive audience, he thought, and chuckled to himself.

"Wait, you can help us!" another woman whispered. "Please, we need someone to help!"

Sunny P thought long and hard about what to do. His inquisitive mind raced through thirty years of experiences, both on the streets and on this ridiculous quest he had been a part of. Finally, he knew what he had to do.

"Well, good luck with that, but Sunny P is out! Peace!" Chucking up the deuces sign to the audience, the con artist calmly strode away, whistling a happy tune. At least—he tried to do so. For some reason, he couldn't stop hearing the people's cries for help. And for some reason he actually felt … bad! OK, this is weird, Sunny P thought to himself. First I actually join a knight's quest and now I'm feeling … I think, compassion?

Sunny P looked back to the audience. Some of their faces met his—the balding man, a few parents, and a little girl all with one thing in common—though silent, he knew that they cried out for a hero. Sunny P looked back at them—and nodded.

OK, that's it, I have to help them. Sunny P concluded. Think, think, you idiot! What … what would Dorothy do?

Looking below him, Sunny P noticed something interesting—a prop sword that one of the actors must have dropped. He picked it up, and a look of what could only be described as determined fear grew on his face. I can't believe I'm doing this, he thought to himself. Striding up to the stage with a growing confidence in his eye, Sunny P drew his sword and stared down the kidnapping actors.

"Producers and actors of this terrible play," Sunny P called out in a commanding voice. "Let these people go, or suffer the consequences!" The actors looked down at him with a look of confusion on their faces.

"And … who, beith thou, exactly, that commandeth us so? As one can see, we outnumber you like locusts outnumbered the Egyptian crops—or something …"

"I'm Sunford Patrick Jr.—but you can call me Sunny P." Sunny P stood firm, surprisingly ready for a fight. "And if you will not release these people … then DRAW. THY. SWORDS."

The collective unsheathing of at least twenty swords echoed throughout Central Park.

Well … this cannot possibly end well , Sunny P thought, as a few dozen Shakespearean actors charged forward to taste his steel.

* * *

Meanwhile, just a few miles away, Dorothy Quinn was locked in the heat of battle with a ferocious squirrel. The rodent abomination lay waste to her armor, biting and tearing at her cape until its twitchy little nose and buck teeth were stained with noble yarn. Nevertheless, Dorothy fought on, swiping at the squirrel with her sword, to no avail. "Is that the best you can do, you furry demon?!" Dorothy cried out as the squirrel effortlessly leaped between her swipes, landing blow after blow on her face and armor. While it could do little damage, being a squirrel, Dorothy was getting really tired of it scratching her face. Besides, her honor was at stake—she had never lost a fight in her life, not even to the Fighting Champion of Trenzalore during that foreign exchange trip a few years ago. However, with the squirrel attacking her at such a merciless pace, she wasn't sure how long she could keep standing. Panting and out of breath, she prepared to swing at the ferocious beast one last time—but hesitated.Wait a minute, she realized. Maybe fighting isn't the way to go here. In all her years of being a hero, Dorothy had indeed come across battles that could be ended through peace—but they were few and far between. Maybe, just maybe … this was one of those times. Ok … I've got to find some way to reason with this squirrel. Think, think … ! Suddenly, a new thought popped into her head— What would Sunny P do? As grouchy as he was, he seemed to be … adequate at charming people.

Slowly and cautiously, Dorothy put down her sword and stared down at her opponent. "My dear … squirrelly friend," she began. "I do not wish to fight you. Indeed, how could I beat such an unrelenting force or pure power and destruction, oh Squirrel the … amazing?" Dorothy thought she was laying on the charm pretty thick, but the squirrel merely twitched its head. Dorothy looked from side to side, wondering what could appease this tiny beast. Suddenly, she spotted it—a tiny acorn, carelessly discarded by some other inhabitant of the woods. Dorothy picked up the small nut and kneeled, bestowing the tasty prize to her opponent. "Oh mighty squirrel, in return for safe passage, I offer thee this humble acorn. May it sate you for the several … minutes you spend eating it."

Humbly tossing the acorn to the squirrel, Dorothy once again locked eyes with her furry foe. The two of them kept staring at each other, as if each set of eyes was trying to make the other look away. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the squirrel twitched its head once again—as if to nod to a worthy opponent—and scampered off into the trees. As it did so, Dorothy breathed a sigh of relief. The rodent peril was finally over.

* * *

Sunny P's peril, on the other hand, had only just begun. While Dorothy had been battling a ferocious squirrel, the former con artist and new knight had been battling the cast of Romeo and Juliet, dueling five members at once with speed and ferocity. Quite frankly, he couldn't believe it—other than one time in middle school where he pretended to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, Sunny P had never held a sword in his life. And yet, here he was, battling against a horde of mediocre fencers for the chance to save an entire audience from their capture. However, each clang! and slash! brought him closer and closer to the stage—where the rest of the cast was waiting to finally subdue him. What was a guy to do. Luckily, Sunny P had newly found himself to be a hero—and with that, he had a plan.

Ducking under the wave of swords that swung in front of him, Sunny P ran over to the audience and cut a few of the members free. "Go, get the others!" he heard himself telling those few he had unchained, ran back to the stage. Dodging and sweeping past the swordsmen once again, he made his way into the rafters of the wooden stage the players had built. Once there, he knew what he had to do. While the actors tried to catch him, Sunny P made himself busy, slicing through wooden boards and cutting down ropes, swinging around as the stage collapsed around him. Luckily, he himself managed to escape the destruction just in time, jumping out of the way as the balcony crashed down onto the main stage, sending a cloud of dust and wood chips into the air while the actors fled for their lives.

"I guess it's—CURTAINS for them!" Sunny P cried out, and laughed heartily. Though he felt excited and invigorated, inside, his inner cynic had to admit—Seriously? Did you really just say that? Well, nevertheless, the day was saved, and while the actors ran back to the art school from whence they came, Sunny P set to work freeing the rest of the audience. Cutting the rest of the people free, he could not help but smile as the former captives ran over to their loved ones, hugging their children, friends, and significant others with a tightness that could not be rivaled. Many of them ran over to say "Thank you!" and "Bless you, you set us all free!", but Sunny P paid them no mind—besides one small child. A ten year old girl, to be precise, who took some time to run over and hug his knee. "Thanks for saving us," she said to him with an adorable smile on her face. "You really are a hero." Sunny P smiled as she then ran off to her parents. Sure , he thought as he started back on the path to the end of the park. I guess I am.

* * *

Riding out of the park on Silversharp was a huge relief for Dorothy Quinn. Now that she was out of those infernal woods, she could finally get back on track. It was late in the afternoon by that point, and the MacGuffin Stone couldn't wait all day! However, as the librarian knight was about to zoom off in search of adventure, she bumped into a rather familiar face—Sunny P, who by pure coincidence was leaving the park by the same exit.

"Oh … hey again." Sunny P started, with a sense of awkwardness as all the conflict between them came back in full.

"Hi yourself … must admit, I never saw this coming." Dorothy responded. Really, she had no idea what to say as the two of them looked at the other, both parties clearly looking like they had been through hell.

"So … what happened to you?" Sunny P asked.

"Oh … just had to fight a squirrel, bribed it with an acorn to win. You?"

"Battling Shakespearean actors. Turns out Romeo and Juliet actually requires a literal captive audience to be watchable."

An awkward silence ensues as the two stared at each other with remorseful expressions on both of their faces. Eventually, Sunny P was the first to crack.

"Look, Dorothy … I'm sorry about what I said. This quest you're going on … I don't think it's crazy. If you need to find this MacGuffin Stone, then I want to help however I can."

"Really?" Dorothy asked in a hopeful tone. "What made you change your mind?"

"Well," Sunny P explained, "through a series of strange events involving Shakespeare and me having an unusual talent with a sword … I think I would enjoy this … hero sort of thing. It feels good to … help people and actually be selfless for once in my life."

Dorothy stared at Sunny P for a good minute … then walked over and embraced her comrade.

"You know … I always knew that's what you were meant for," she told him. "And I'm sorry too … I never meant to put you in … excessive danger from this quest. That, and insulting your fortune teller booth; that was uncalled for."

"It's cool," Sunny P told her. "Now then, if we're done forgiving each other … what do you say we find this MacGuffin Stone you keep gushing about?"

"I couldn't agree more," Dorothy said. On that triumphant note, she grabbed her sword, and the two heroes zoomed off on Silversharp, eager for adventure and the chance to be heroes.

With this, it came to pass that the knight and her squire, after a duet of insane adventures, were finally reconciled. The quest for the MacGuffin Stone could continue.

* * *

After another half hour or so of scooting down the streets of Manhattan, our heroes had finally reached their destination. Before them lay a gleaming building of marble and stone—and inside lay their final prize.

"According to the map, the MacGuffin Stone should be inside here." Dorothy told Sunny P. As they walked up the stairs to enter the citadel known as Castle Metropolitan, the two could almost smell their goal on the other side of those great doors.

"Now there is one last obstacle to cross before we find our prize," Dorothy added. "According to the map, there's some sort of … Riddle-Master that guards the door to the stone. For each traveler that comes along, he asks them an ancient riddle, one that has never been solved. If we answer correctly, we get in. If we don't answer correctly …"

"Yeah, I think I get it." Sunny P drew his sword that he had stolen from the Shakespeareans and walked up the stairs with Dorothy, who too had drawn her sword. Cautiously creeping up the marble steps, the two stepped towards the large wooden doors, and prepared to enter. However, just as they were about to open the doors, a large puff of smoke came out of nowhere, blowing the two onto their backs!

Out of that puff of smoke stepped a man who could only be the Riddle-Master, a middle-aged, balding man in a robe and holding a staff topped with a question mark.

"Halt!" the Riddle Master called. "Those who would enter this sacred place must answer the ancient riddle, ere the MacGuffin Stone he face."

"Wait a minute," Sunny P realized. "Aren't you that guy who I rescued back at the park?"

"Well, yes," the Riddle-Master admitted. "And now you see why I had to get out—I was late for work! Now then, as I was saying—Those who would enter this sacred place must answer the ancient riddle, ere the MacGuffin—

"We heard that part already," Sunny P pointed out. Dorothy stepped forward and resheathed her sword. "Ask the riddle, Riddle-Master; we're not afraid!"

"OK then," said the Riddle-Master, and spoke:

I turn polar bears white

and I make you cry.

I make men turn to stone

and women into formica.

I make celebrities look stupid

and reality stars look like celebrities.

I turn pancakes brown

and make lava bubble.

If you squeeze me, I will pop.

If you look at me, you will pop.

Can you solve the riddle?

Dorothy and Sunny P thought long and hard about their answer, bringing to mind all the possible combinations that could make for this kind of ability to transform and modify the world around them. However, all they could think of—was either a nine-legged unicorn or absolutely nothing at all.

"I don't get it!" Sunny P grumbled. "That's not a riddle, it's just a nonsense poem!"

"Don't give up," Dorothy responded. "There has to be some way to make sense of the riddle."

The two of them thought some more. What did it mean? What turned men to stone, and women to formica? What turned pancakes brown and made lava bubble? Dorothy read over the poem time and time again, and had to admit—there really was no way to answer the riddle. But, just as she was about to give up and say some random thing in hopes of getting it right, she realized something—the final line of the poem.

Can you solve the riddle?

Suddenly, Dorothy understood! Turning to the Riddle-Master, the librarian/knight proudly stated, "No. I can't answer the riddle."

The Riddle-Master stared back at the two heroes for a good minute, but eventually an answer came out of his mouth. "Your answer … is correct. Enter, and receive your reward."

With that, Dorothy and Sunny P entered the castle, the wooden door quickly slamming behind them.

* * *

As the two heroes walked through the ancient halls of the castle, Sunny P just had to know: "Hey, Dorothy, how did you manage to solve the riddle?"

"Oh, that was easy," the librarian explained. "The poem really was nonsense—so the only logical response was to say that there was no answer, that we could not solve the riddle. Instead of giving some random solution, the correct answer was just to tell the truth."

"Ah," Sunny P concluded. For a crazy knight, she really was smart …

As the two ventured further and further into the ancient castle, they could not help but marvel at the paintings and sculptures that adorned each hall and room. It was like a … museum or something, but sightseeing could wait. Rounding a few more corners and climbing a flight of stairs, Dorothy and Sunny P came across an even larger wooden door. What was on the other side, they did not know—but they had a pretty good feeling.

"You ready for this?" Dorothy asked.

"Totally," her squire answered, as they pushed open the door to find … a vast chamber, decorated in marble and silver as far as the eye could see. In front of them, a pathway of spotlights led to the center of the room, wherein lay their prize—the MacGuffin Stone! Dorothy and Sunny P walked forward to where the stone lay, on some ancient pillar that emphasized the majesty and raw power that emanated from the ethereal rock. Once they reached the ancient boulder, Dorothy drew her sword and knelt, clearly trying to honor the fates that led her to the end of her quest.

"Finally, we made it, Sunny P!" Dorothy exclaimed in delight as Sunny P smiled alongside her. "After all these hours, after every peril that I unintentionally dragged you through—we finally made it to the MacGuffin Stone! Truly, this shall be known as a quest for the ages, a testament to true heroism, and an immortal chronicle of two of the greatest—"

"FINALLY, YOU TWO ARE GONNA GET WHAT'S COMIN' TO YA!"

Seriously, what was it about goblins that always spoiled a good ending?

* * *

Dorothy and Sunny P jumped up and drew their swords, once again facing the goblin gang that had attacked Sunny P that same day. The gang of five or so had grown in number, apparently gathering their allies from all across the city to fulfill this day-long vendetta. Armed with gnarly-looking swords and axes, and decked head to toe in makeshift armor—Sunny P nearly chuckled at the one goblin with a salad bowl for a helmet—the goblins looked angry, riled up from a day of pillaging, and ready to slice up our heroes. Still, they could not be allowed to destroy what is obviously supposed to be a happy ending.

"Ok guys, look—I do NOT have time for this," Sunny P said as he stepped forward. "You guys had your fun on pages five and six, but we really have to speed up this climax. We found the MacGuffin Stone, now just head off and leave us alone!"

He was quickly answered by a stray arrow narrowly missing his head. Clearly these goblins were not going to comply.

Stepping forward and assuming a charming smile, Dorothy seemed to take the situation a lot more seriously. "Don't worry, Sunny P, I've got this …" she assured her squire.

"Good goblin horde," she began. "I'm not sure what Sunny P did to tick you guys off, but I'm sure that we, er, he, can pay you back in—"

"Gold and assorted intestines?" one of the goblins prematurely responded.

"Um … no … but if you want to come to some sort of … non-death-related agreement—"

The second stray arrow that narrowly missed her head indicated that the goblins had no time for this sort of negotiation.

"Fair enough," Dorothy replied as she drew her sword alongside Sunny P. "If you want to do it the hard way …"

* * *

With the drawing of swords came the sounds of battle as Dorothy and Sunny P entered one last fray with the goblin horde. Dueling ferociously against the seemingly infinite gang of monsters, the two of them demonstrated their skills with the sword against such an insurmountable force. Dorothy did her usual routine of flips, slashes, and slices that made Inigo Montoya seem like a rank amateur, while Sunny P—who had just started to learn his craft—was mostly just swinging the sword around like a giant stick, mostly relying on luck and the cowardice of goblin hordes to avoid death's icy touch. As a result, he reminded himself to sign up for some sort of fencing class when one of the goblins knocked his sword out of his hands, knocking him on his back in front of the MacGuffin Stone.

"Now then …" said goblin rasped as the hordes surrounded Sunny P, ready to slice him to pieces. "Any last words before … you know, we make you stop living?"

Sunny P didn't know how to respond, mostly feeling around for something he could use to get out of this. However, once he wrapped his fingers around a blunt object above his head, he knew exactly what to say.

THUNK!

Knocking one of the goblins out with the MacGuffin Stone, Sunny P turned to the rest, unleashing the full power and might of what a somewhat large stone in his hand could do. Bashing goblins left and right, Sunny P fought his way to Dorothy, similarly fighting her way through horde after horde of goblins with her trusty sword.

The battle that day was truly a terrific one—two heroes fighting side by side to defend the mighty MacGuffin Stone from the forces of evil. Despite that annoying pebble in her shoe, Dorothy sliced and diced through goblin after goblin, demonstrating her mastery with the sword while generally kicking butt in the process. Sunny P was similarly adept in battle—having found his niche in blunt instruments, he was a similar force to be reckoned with, now that he had the MacGuffin Stone in his hand. Eventually, after several minutes of glory and carnage, all the goblins had fallen … save for one small foot-soldier, shaking from fear in the middle of the room.

"I don't suppose you could … surrender, just for the sake of it, you know …?"

Dorothy and Sunny P brandished their weapons once more, sending this last of the goblin horde screaming and running for his life.

* * *

The battle was finally over! As the two heroes rejoiced, Sunny P held up the MacGuffin Stone in triumph. "I can't believe it—we actually did it!", he shouted, as Dorothy held her sword aloft. "Truly this is a great day for knights and squires—er, knights-in-training everywhere!"

Sunny P looked surprised—and a little awestruck at being given this honor. "Knight in training—really …? I … don't know what to say."

Dorothy looked at her new apprentice with a smile that inspired total confidence in the former con artist. She believed he could be a hero, and under her training—a hero is what he would be. "Say yes," she told him, and the two high-fived.

"Now then—let me get a look at the Stone!" Dorothy could not take the stone from Sunny P's hands fast enough! After all this time, after all the quests, all the adventures—she and Sunny P had finally reached their prize—the MacGuffin Stone! Dorothy looked at the rock with pure awe and wonder, knowing that she had finally saved the—

"Wait a minute!" Dorothy looked a bit closer at the MacGuffin Stone. Something was a bit off here—the stone had a strange texture to it, almost … like plastic. "Hey, Sunny P—could you take a look at this?"

Sunny P walked over and scanned the MacGuffin Stone like a hawk. His eyes flew over the ancient boulder time and time again, until he saw something that made him step back in both shock and disappointment:

MADE IN CHINA.

"Dorothy … I'm not sure how to tell you this."

Dorothy looked over at Sunny P in confusion and a bit of nervousness. "What happened? Is the stone OK?"

Sunny P sadly walked over and placed the stone back on its pillar.

"The stone … it's a fake."

"WHAT?!" Dorothy ran over and looked at the stone again. Once more she felt the plastic texture and the manufacturer's label. And once more...she turned to Sunny P with a look of pure dejection and disappointment on her face.
"Dorothy … are you gonna be OK?" Sunny P asked, clearly concerned for his friend.

"… Sure," Dorothy answered, but the truth of her response seemed questionable.

"Come on … let's go home."

* * *

And so the two heroes started their long and dejected journey home, both shocked and disappointed at the seeming futility of their quest.

Riding down the streets of Manhattan on Silversharp, Sunny P tried to lighten the mood with a few jokes, but Dorothy seemed rather quiet, and hunched over her shoulders in a brooding fashion. It was as if she was taking on the full burden of her quest … and how she saw it to be a total failure.

"Hey, Dorothy … you sure you're OK?", Sunny P asked. "Look, I know we didn't find the MacGuffin Stone in the end, but look on the bright side! At least we—"

Suddenly, Dorothy slammed on the brakes, bringing Silversharp to a full stop in front of Washington State park. Quickly parking the scooter, she stormed off to a bench, sat down, and did not say a word more.

Knowing he had to do something, Sunny P walked over and sat next to her.

"Dorothy … I know the quest didn't turn out like we thought, but it's not the end of the world. I mean, it's not like—"

"You just don't get it, OK?!" Dorothy shot back, wiping a stray tear from her eye. "I was chosen to go on this quest! You think a giant head from the cosmic outreaches of the universe chooses ANYONE to go on mythical quests?!"

"Wait … a giant head told you to do this?" Sunny P interrupted, genuinely confused.

"Not important! It's just … I thought if I found the stone, I could prove myself … you know, as a great knight or a true hero or something. I just wanted to find it so bad, and now … now I'm thinking this whole thing amounted to … just about nothing." Dorothy sunk lower onto the bench, clearly doubting herself and all that she had been through. Sunny P looked at her nearly broken spirit and realized—he would have none of this. Striding over to his friend, Sunny P stood Dorothy up and looked her straight in the eye.

"You know, Dorothy—for once you're absolutely wrong. This quest didn't amount to nothing! We went on a completely insane adventure through the city—we fought monsters, helped people, solved riddles! Sure, I might have nearly died a couple of times, but you know what? In the end, we still had fun! I can't believe I'm saying this—but I actually WANT to be a knight now! Seriously, I'm just as surprised as you are!"

Dorothy looked confused. "I was never surprised …"

"Exactly!" Sunny P stood taller and walked Dorothy over to a better spot, giving her a full and gorgeous view of the park. "I'm not sure how you did it, but you actually believed I could be better than some guy giving out fake fortune readings on the sidewalk. Weirder yet … you actually made ME believe that. Because of you, I think this city's going to have one more knight racing around doing knightly stuff. And if that isn't an upside from this quest … quite frankly, you have a very strange outlook on what quests are supposed to be."

Sunny P looked over at Dorothy with a look of assurance in his eye. The librarian/knight seemed to have her spirits improved from his rousing speech. Wiping her eyes, she looked at her new protege—and knew that despite everything, she made a man into a knight, and that wasn't half bad for some half-baked quest to find a rock that may or may not exist.

"Thanks … I really needed that," Dorothy said as she came over and hugged Sunny P. Much to his surprise, Sunny P hugged back. "You know, looking back, this quest truly was one to remember. A testament to heroism, to knighthood, to adventure, and most of all to—Gah! Seriously, what is up with this pebble?!"

"You OK?" Sunny P asked her.

"I'm fine," Dorothy responded, fiddling with her shoe to take it off. "It's just this stupid pebble in my shoe! It's been driving me crazy all day!"

"Here, let me help." Sunny P helped pull Dorothy's shoe off, and watched as she fished around for the pebble that had given her so much annoyance all through that day. Finally, Dorothy pulled out the tiny stone, no bigger than a marble, and examined it with a watchful eye.

"So … you're what's been in my shoe all day," Dorothy said as she brought the pebble closer to her eye. Something seemed odd about it, but she couldn't tell what. "Now then … what exactly are you— WAIT A MINUTE!"

Sunny P ran over to get a look at the pebble. "What? What's going on?"

Dorothy looked at Sunny P with a look of both joy and shock on her face. "This pebble … this is it! This is the real MacGuffin Stone!"

"Seriously?" Sunny P had no idea what she was talking about, but took a look at the rock anyway. While the pebble looked like any ordinary rock that might slip into a person's shoe, he had to admit—it shone with a humble glow that, while not noticeable to the untrained eye, seemed to betray an unknown power that would warrant a quest such as theirs.

"I can't believe it, but I think you're right!" Sunny P handed the stone back to Dorothy. "I seriously can't believe I'm saying this … but we did it! We found the MacGuffin Stone!"

With this news of their quest being successful after all, the two friends held the pebble up to the sky and jumped for joy, almost feeling like there was heroic and triumphant music playing in the background. At long last … their quest was at an end. The MacGuffin Stone had been found, and it seemed Manhattan now had two knights to defend its streets—and perhaps go on several more ridiculous and logic-defying quests in the future.

* * *

And so it came to pass that Dorothy Quinn found herself back at the New York Public Library, once again taking pride in her role as keeper of the adventure section. While she resigned herself to the mundane role she played in these hallowed halls, she did feel a sense of happiness—after all, there's no place like home.

"Hey, when you're done with organizing the books upstairs, can you help out with one of the customers?" she called to her new trainee. "Apparently he borrowed some Egyptian scroll that summoned mummies to his apartment."

"Sure thing!" Sunny P called as he pushed one of the book carts up the stairs. Got to admit, he thought to himself, this is not what I thought she meant when she said training to be a knight. Still … it does beat getting your fake soothsayer stand destroyed by goblins on a weekly basis.

Dorothy smiled as her new trainee got down to the usual grind, whistling a tune as he reorganized the shelves and dusted between the nooks and crannies. Sure, he had much to learn before truly becoming a knight. But, then again—he had come that far. Somehow, she knew he could make it the rest of the way.

"Man," Dorothy sighed as she stamped a few more return books. "I've got to admit. I could get used to this! The library's lively, the books are staying quiet—plus no one's returned any of them late! To be completely honest—I think this is the perfect way to end—"

ROOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR! Dorothy jumped up as she heard the horrific howl coming from the third floor. Sunny P ran up to her as well, having just finished with his dusting.

"Let me guess—T-Rex again?" Sunny P asked, and drew his sword in anticipation.

"Yep—something tells me one of the kids opened that cursed dinosaur book again," Dorothy concluded, and drew her sword alongside her apprentice. "Are you ready?"

"You better believe it, boss."

Suddenly, the room shook as the T-Rex made its way down the the lobby, destroying each step with its mighty feet. It stared at Dorothy and Sunny P with a look of both rage and unadulterated hunger.

"In that case—I think it's time to be knights again," Dorothy quipped, as she charged towards the giant lizard, sword in hand and victory on her mind. It's good to be back, she thought as the battle began, with Sunny P running over to lend his sword to the battle.

And as the two fought a tyrannosaurus rex spawned from a magical children's book, they both came to the conclusion that things, despite the crazy way in which they turned out, really did work out for the best. Against all odds, a librarian had become a knight, a con artist had become her squire—and a powerful magic of immeasurable power had been found in a random sneaker. Though it was ironic, they both thought—while that quest may have been insane and beyond belief … it was one of those lesser adventures, that while interesting, they would both remember somewhat vaguely for a long while.

THE END

Bio: My work has been featured before in Mosaic, a literary magazine published by the student and faculty of Marist College. I myself am currently a student of Marist, studying to be a writer.

E-mail: Brian Spiess

Comment on this story in the Aphelion Forum

Return to Aphelion's Index page.