The Bride of Frankenherbert

Frankenherbert, (Bert to his mates)
Never quite managed to get second dates
The first was all right, he got them online
But straight after that, poor Herbert would find
That women who liked him on computer screens
Would run several miles after they’d seen
What our Bert looked like. They didn’t care
That the monster could chat, online from his lair
On music or football, dance or fine art
They only saw he was made from spare parts.
Frankie despaired of getting more dates
He said to himself ‘A woman I’ll make’
‘One just like me, made out of spares,
With a heart and a brain, and with wonderful hair.’
So Bert he set to with glue and some thread
And parts he had got from the recently dead
He finished his woman, laid her on the bench
And tightened the bolts in her neck with a wrench
He raised her with lightning, a bolt from the sky
Frankenherbetta opened her eyes
(One eye was green, one eye was blue,
Bertie had changed his mind half way through)
He said to her ‘Darling, I’ve brought you alive,
Now marry me love, please be my bride.’
The woman, aghast asked ‘Are you mad?’
‘You brought me to life, I can’t marry my dad!’
Bert was distraught, but he knew she was right
And realised in one way his future was bright
He could still be there on his girl’s wedding day,
Just not as the groom. He’d give her away.

Stuart Sharp is a writer and postgraduate history student currently living in East Yorkshire.

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