Lila's Date

"One more to go." Lila wiggled her freshly painted toenails. She hoped Bill would appreciate the shade. The toilet seat lid was making her butt flat, and her bathrobe wasn't very warm.

6:30. "Making good time." When she finished primping, plucking, and curling, she'd only be an hour late. Bill would still be at the party when she arrived.

She felt the vibration in the lid before she heard the noise. It was like motors or industrial machinery, but far off and muffled, like through the side of an inner tube.

The hairs on her arms stood up straight.

The whole ceiling erupted into white light, so bright she could hardly look.

She heard a male voice, then laughter.

"Hello?"

A man in a suit fell through the ceiling, landing face down in the bathtub.

She screamed, scrambling up on the seat.

He didn't move.

After thirty seconds or so, Lila felt embarrassed at her 'girlie' pose and jumped for the door. She ran down the hall to her bedroom where her purse was. Grabbing out the pepper spray with her right hand, she returned to the bathroom. She grabbed the plunger from behind the wastebasket and held it like a club in her left hand while she looked the man over.

"Pinstripes?" she asked herself. "Who wears that?"

The ceiling was back to its normal color.

Lila prodded him with the plunger. "Hey, buddy!"

He groaned.

She jabbed him much harder, and he woke with a start, struggling to his knees and grabbing at the big lump on his forehead. His right eye was swelling.

"Oh, that's quite a goose egg," she mumbled. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

He looked around himself then, as if noticing his surroundings for the first time. Lila felt the man's good eye trace up her long legs and past her hips. His inspection lingered for a moment on her chest before glancing up to her face.

He turned away, as if embarrassed. "Y-You're… not dressed."

Lila glanced down. Nothing was showing, but she drew the sides of her bathrobe tighter anyway. "Who are you?"

"My name is Anders." He had a nasal voice. "Where am I?"

He was young. She wondered if he was even twenty-one. "You're in my bathtub. How'd you get here? The ceiling turned all white and then you fell through."

He looked up at the ceiling. "Martin! He was playing at the controls."

He turned back to her, then averted his eyes again. "What year is this?"

"2008. What kind of question is that?"

He goggled. "My god! Seventy years!"

"Martin!" he yelled to the ceiling. "Martin, it worked! Tell Nikola!"

"Hey!" Lila tapped him with the plunger. "Keep your voice down. Skip back to the point where you tell me what the hell you're doing in my bathroom."

He sat on the edge of the tub. "Martin and I work for this inventor. He made this machine, and, well… we were playing with it while he was gone. We weren't supposed to, but we got this bottle of gin and we were drinking. I didn't know exactly where I was going."

Lila frowned, putting her hands on her hips. "You're trying to tell me you're a time traveler."

He shrugged. "Our boss said that was one of the things it could do."

"And how were you supposed to get back?"

"He was going to give me three minutes, then open the doorway again."

Lila thought hard about it. "There's no hole in my ceiling, and I saw you fall with my own eyes, so I believe you. Anders, what if that door doesn't open again? You could be trapped here, without anyone. If this was at random, that door might never come back."

He blushed. "Well, it wasn't completely at random. Martin said you had nice gams—"

She smacked him with the plunger. "Why, you little pervert! Watching me in the bathroom from the past!"

Lila stopped. "You thought I was pretty?"

He glanced at her, then his eye darted away again. "Martin was the one looking. I had to be by the opening to go through."

She was quiet for a moment. "Would you like to go to a party?"

He turned pale. "I-I wouldn't want to miss my chance at getting back."

She glanced at the clock and slid the pepper spray behind her back. It was now or never. "If what you say is true, the door will open again in a few seconds. How about a kiss before you go?"

He jumped to his feet, nervous. "I-I wouldn't presume… I mean, I've imposed enough."

She stepped closer. "Come on, no strings attached. It's your only chance to kiss a woman from the future."

Just then, the ceiling erupted into brilliant white light once more. A voice called out, "Well, how was she?"

"Martin!" Anders jumped for the ceiling but couldn't get high enough. "Rotate ninety degrees and lower six feet!"

The voice called again, "But how was she?"

Anders looked back at Lila. He cleared his throat. "Uh, unprepossessing. Hurry!"

Lila started. "What?! I was a crossword champion. I know what that means!"

She grabbed at the pepper spray, but the can tumbled into the sink.

The brilliance shimmered away again, then reformed as the wall next to Anders.

She grabbed the can and spun.

Anders leapt, disappearing through the wall of light, which winked out of existence an instant later.

Lila fumed then looked at her oversized nose and crooked teeth in the mirror. "I may not be the prettiest girl at the ball, but Bill's going to notice me tonight, darn it. Even if I have to scratch out the eyes of that trollop he married. Three years of waiting for one's boss is enough."

It occurred to Lila as she put on her third coat of lipstick that she might have been on the receiving end of history's first crank call.

Find more by N.J. Kailhofer in the Author Index.

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