Dressed To Kill

Everyone thinks that the mask is the thing that makes you a good psycho killer. It isn't. My mask is, in fact, terrific. It is soft lambskin lined with comfortable material on the inside. I like to think the outside is terrifying. It looks like cut up human skin which has been sewn back together piecemeal. The trick is it looks like what people assume that would look like while actually being made from a far superior material. The mask is your brand and trademark. It all doesn't come together though unless you are practical. The thing that really matters though is the boots.

I want you to really give it some thought. I have to run through the woods chasing people generally twenty years younger than me. Some of these kids are football and track stars. Footwear is very important. You need to be able to run like the wind. The other side of the coin is you need protection. Stubbing your toe is not an option when you are always either at a flat out run or sneaking through the dark. I have a pair of steel toe work boots which are soft as a baby's bottom everywhere but up front. They basically fit like gloves for the feet. The trick is a half-and-half mix of mink oil and human blood. It took me years of experimenting to find the right mix. My boots are without a doubt the most important thing in my ensemble. The next most important thing isn't that far away either, it's socks.

You can't have cold feet but you need something which is going to wick away the sweat. Any hiker worth his salt will tell you to take care of your feet and they will take care of you. Well, not any hiker I have come across, but you know what I mean. I personally go with a medium thickness dress sock. It seems like an odd choice at first with work boots but it works for me. They are comfortable and most of my work is in the summer around the lake. It isn't like people have a lot of time to comment on my need to match. When I do have to go out in the winter to get some folks in an isolated cabin, I can slip my wool socks right over the dress socks and have the best of both worlds. All this attention would be moot if you dressed wrong though. So let me tell you about overalls versus coveralls.

Overalls are terrific. They protect you from nature wonderfully. The denim wears down well giving you that spooky, backwoods dweller look. What I was never able to get past is they always run big. The result of this is the bib straps often come unfastened when you run. If you have ever had your pants fall around your ankles while chasing someone through the woods at night you would understand. They get away and you fall half naked into a nettle bush. That is why for most of my time doing this I have strictly been a coverall man. It doesn't go with the woods motif if you use blue, but if you use camouflage it seems like you are trying too hard. I like dark brown personally.

Well, thanks for listening to me go on and on like this. I feel like we have become close. It almost seems a shame to cut you up at this point. Sorry!

THE END

Comment on this story in the Aphelion Forum

Return to Aphelion's Index page.