Aphelion Issue 241, Volume 23
July 2019
 
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The Engine of Writing

How To Learn to Write Overnight

by Mark Edgemon


Writing is not really hard! Anybody can do it! If that were not true, how come there are so many books!!!

But there are some secret writing tips that can help you become a world-class writer overnight that I’m willing to share them with you.

First, use exclamation points as much as possible to punctuate action, which is the equivalent to running a going-out-of-business sale every week. It really pulls your audience in and helps you earn their trust.

You can never, ever have too many adjectives. They make the writer appear passionate about everything whether they are or not!

Don’t bother giving background to your stories or your character’s motivation. It’s just a lot of blah, blah, blah that no one really cares about.

Don’t let your characters get in the way of your stories. Here’s a tried and tested shortcut to dialogue: Just “tell” your readers what you want them to know. Include your personal thoughts as the author about what is taking place in the scenes and characters’ lives. Readers love that, because you take all the work out of it for them.

Seek praise whenever possible. Never let anyone critique your literary masterpieces, because it is just their opinions and anyone can have one of those. This is why you must know your audience. Hand your writing to people who already like you and make them read it out loud in front of you, so they will be too embarrassed to say something unkind or derogatory.

Grammar is not really important for this reason: Who uses proper grammar in real life…and whom would want to?

Description is important, but don’t get carried away. Keep it simple. Something like, He died should get it!

Feel free to over make your point to ensure your readers get it. For instance, instead of just writing, “He died”, you could say, “Oh, he so died, he died in a major way, he died to death.” See, you’ve added emotion to it and a little poetic phrasing.

Here is another trick: Want to really emphasize your anger? Use curse words!

I think it goes without saying that you should hurry through your manuscript. Once you’ve got it, you’ve got it. No need beating a dead horse. There are many more masterpieces waiting inside you.

The secret to working one’s imagination is simply making stuff up. The more farfetched it is, the better. That’s why it’s called fiction!

Authenticity is for non-fiction. Otherwise, don’t waste your time researching the facts or science within your story, after all, it’s only fiction!

Another important structural consideration is point of view. I always say the only point of view that matters is your own. All you need to remember is to speak with authority, even if you don’t know what you are talking about. People will be impressed.

And isn’t the motivation of all writers to impress the hell out of everybody? Without that key motivation, there would be no literature.

Getting paid for your work is important too. The best way is to print your work on your own computer and sell it back to yourself. Then you have bragging rights. From there…I don’t know!

That’s all for now! Next time, we will study…no wait; I think we’ve covered it all. Just remember this one last thing: Your first thoughts of your writing is what everyone else will think, so don’t over do it!

The End


© 2010 Mark Edgemon

Mark Edgemon is the owner of The Creator and the Catalyst Studio, providing production work for 700 radio stations nationally, broadcasting stations oversees and national spots for radio and television. Mark is also a scriptwriter and pens fiction in his spare time. His latest text appearance in Aphelion was My Brief Affair With Marilyn Monroe (August 2009); links to an audio version of this story and many other "theater of the mind" are available via the Aphelion Forum "Fun and Games" topics The Audio Story Archive, The Audio Comedy Archive, and The Audio Poetry Archive.

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