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Aphelion Editorial 033

February 2000

The Senior Editor's usual drivel about whatever...

by Dan L. Hollifield


Hello and welcome! We've been redecorating a little here at Aphelion, getting ready for our third birthday issue. You may notice some new wallpaper and the odd drop-cloth or two, but things are pretty much ready. Hopefully, the changes aren't too distracting - in keeping with our ongoing evolutionary process we're trying to be subtle. We hope you like the new look.

We have our second writing contest underway and several entries have been received. We'll keep you posted as more entries come in and the judging continues.

We've also updated the Writer's Challenge page to provoke ideas for some of you to create future stories. Now we've added a set of narrative hooks and story ideas alongside Daniel Hanaquand's paintings. If you use any of these pictures or narrative hooks to inspire a story that you are submitting, please indicate it as being a "Writer's Challenge" story so that we can indicate it as such in the index page.

And now, for something completely different;

I've noticed several insoluble puzzles about life in my tenure on this planet. Such as:

  1. What makes the Teflon stick to the pan?
  2. Why does the other line always move faster?
  3. In what way does my placing a seed in the ground cause a drought to occur?
  4. Why do I never run into anyone I know at a store unless I'm in dirty work clothes and haven't shaved in two days? - Does no one leave the house when I'm in a suit and tie?
  5. Why do power failures happen in the middle of the night when you absolutely have to be on time for work the next day and the battery back-up in your alarm clock has never worked?
  6. What is it about a freshly washed car that attracts flocks of birds and rainstorms?
  7. If the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, shouldn't you be spreading fertilizer on your side rather than wasting time trying to climb through the barbed wire?
  8. If we can build enough nuclear weapons to blast us all back to the stone age, why can't we come up with something that will kill these fire-ants once and for all?
  9. Why aren't Native Americans on the endangered species list?
  10. If we can afford a war on crime and a war on drugs, why can't we have wars on racism, ignorance, and poverty?
  11. Why does the word culture only seem to apply to snooty humans and bacteria?
  12. If there are so many people these days suffering from insomnia, why does late-nite TV suck?
  13. Why is the Adult Entertainment industry always at the forefront of cutting-edge technology?
  14. Why does the addition of a two-cent slice of cheese to a seventy-five cent sandwich always raise the price to a dollar twenty five?
  15. If aliens have been able to watch our TV shows for the last fifty years, why do people still expect them to want to visit here?
  16. Why is getting married so easy and getting divorced so hard? Shouldn't that be the other way around?
  17. Why do pro athletes get paid more than teachers?
  18. Why is Babe Ruth more famous than Nicola Tesla?
  19. When I buy a package of black socks, why is it that after I wash them there are always six black ones, four dark blue ones, a dark green, and a dark brown instead of six pairs of black socks?
  20. What makes people think that a salad is more organic than a steak?
  21. Wouldn't reincarnation complicate your income tax form?
  22. Why aren't there any movies made from Larry Niven's books?
  23. Why do telemarketers keep calling back?
  24. Since sex is so much fun, shouldn't we be less ashamed of it now that humanity has been at it for over two million years?
  25. Is it fair to call a vegetarian a cereal killer?
  26. If people will buy free-range chicken over the house-grown variety, why do they look down on hunting deer or turkey? Is some subtle nutritional value lost if someone doesn't kill and clean the animal for you?

I hope that you've found food for thought in the preceding list. I know that I'd like to have the answers to these burning questions, but each answer would probably just generate more questions.

Thanks for your time.

Dan

THE END


2000 Dan L. Hollifield

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