"Take Me Out To The Ball Game

“Hey, Max!” Bruce calls out as he enters the bar. He sees Max at the far end and runs over to him. “I got this great money-making idea, you gotta hear it!”

“What is it this time?” Max says tiredly.

“Look, I agree the others didn’t pan out like I thought they would, but this is a guaranteed winner!”

“You mean like Bingo Night and Ladies Night. The multisexual species had a load of fun with that. And what was it? Oh yes, my favorite, Trivia Night.”

“Okay, okay I admit those didn’t do too well. But this is a winner!”

“And oh, yes, I almost forgot, the annual Chili Cook Off. We spent the next month cleaning the place up after one of the entries literally blew up because they achieved nuclear fusion using their hot peppers... Talk about your firehouse recipes.”

“Okay, you’re right about those, but this is a no-brainer. It's simple, easy and it will be fun for everyone!”

“What is it? I’m all ears. Sorry, no offense,” Max says to the large eared alien sitting on the other side of the bar who could undoubtedly hear everything in the room.

“Baseball!”

“What?”

“It’s a game that’s very popular on Earth. One of the crew from a freighter showed me some vids he had. Did you know they have huge stadiums that are filled with tens of thousands of people watching baseball! And that is just one of dozens, all playing baseball while millions watch!”

“So how does that do any good for us?”

“We start up a league of teams from the different businesses around here. I’ve already talked to Carpet Diem, the Dew Drop Inn, the Taiwan On and that new Japanese Jewish fusion restaurant, So Sue Me. I’ve talked to them, and they seemed open to the idea.”

“So what do we do, assuming we joined this league?”

“Each business has its own team, and we play each other in an arena, in front of spectators. Each team will wear a uniform with the player’s and company name on it. We get a portion of the gate receipts plus free exposure to the public. More people will know about us and each team’s business will benefit from the exposure.”

“I don’t know. How many players are on a team?”

“Nine.”

“I don't know if we can get that many.”

“We can ask some of our regulars if they would like to play on the bar’s team. The only requirement is they have to be available for all the games. We then hold practice sessions and select the best ones.”

“I still don’t know,” Max replies. “I’d have to run this past the boss first.”

“Sure, absolutely!” Bruce says as heads out the front door.

“So, what is it this time?” Blanche asks Max as she walks over.

“Baseball, it’s a game that’s big in some countries on planet Earth. I remember it from when I visited there.“

“Never heard of it,” and she walks away.

A few days later Max is talking to Trixie while filling her orders when Bruce walks in.

“Well, how did it go?” Bruce asked. “Did you get a chance to talk to the boss about my baseball idea?”

“He’s a little iffy about it.” Max replied. “He says it’s okay to have some practice sessions and then he will decide.”

“Great! I’ll put out some flyers and have our first practice in two weeks!”

Bruce put out several notices on the local vids and posted flyers around the bar, advertising try-outs to get people to play for the Mare Inebrium baseball team. When the day finally arrived, there were about two dozen present, half of them aliens, standing in a large field on the outskirts of the city. Bruce stood in front of them all, with Johnny, the human from Earth who told him about the game.

“Greetings everyone, and welcome to the Mare Inebrium baseball tryouts. This is Johnny,” who waves at the crowd, “who first told me about the game. He will be the ‘coach’ or advisor to us as we play the game.”

“This is called the playing field,” Johnny says, pointing out the grassy area. “This is a baseball bat, and this is a baseball,” he calls out to the crowd, holding what looks like a long club and a small ball for the players to see. “The object of the game is to run around the bases,” he points at white squares on the ground arranged around them, “after hitting the ball with the bat. Another person, a pitcher, will throw the ball at you, not to hit you, but to try and make you miss hitting it. You then run to the base, those small squares on the ground, and try to reach it before the other player standing by the base gets the ball you just hit. If you can do this then you are “safe’.”

“Safe from what?” one player asks.

“Safe from getting tagged with the ball and called out,” Johnny replies.

“I do not understand,” another calls out, this time from an alien translator.

“Okay, we will run through it to give you an idea of how it works. This is why we have this practice and then you will see,” Bruce says.

“If you hit the ball, someone from the other team will try to catch the ball and then throw it to the base where the player is running to. You have three chances to hit the ball. If you miss all three then you are ‘out’, and the next player comes up and tries to hit the ball. Each team gets three outs and then they switch sides, with one team coming in to bat and the other going out to the field, and the process is repeated. That is called an ‘inning’. Each team gets nine innings and then the game is over and the team with the highest score wins.”

“This is complicated,” someone says, and the others murmur their assent.

“Don’t worry. We’ll practice and you will see how it all works. It’s really quite simple once you start,” Bruce replies. “To demonstrate, me and Johnny will show you an example. He will be the pitcher, the person who throws the ball and I will be the batter, trying to hit the ball.”

Johnny goes out to the middle of the field and Bruce stands watching him with the baseball bat in the air. He throws an easy ball, Bruce swings and misses.

“Okay,” that was called a strike. Three strikes and you are out.”

“Out of the game?” the alien with the vocoder says.

“No, three strikes and then the next player comes up to try to hit the ball.”

Johnny then throws another easy ball, and Bruce hits it and runs to the base, stopping when he reaches the small square. “I am now safe, and I will stay safe as long as my foot touches the base,” he calls out. “Then the next person comes to bat and if he hits the ball, he then runs to the base like I did and I run to the next one, second base and stay there. The object is to run all the bases and then reach home. That is how you score a point.”

“That sounds difficult, we must find another way to score more points than our opponents! That is what a warrior does!” the Kazakstan cries out.

“It’s just a game, something we do for fun!” Bruce says.

‘“I have difficulty understanding this concept of ‘fun’, the Kazakstan says. On my world we compete to crush and destroy our enemies!”

“We don’t crush our opponents, except figuratively, it’s something we humans do for enjoyment. Ok, we’re going to start out with some simple exercises, practice throwing and catching the ball and running around the bases.”

The whole group then starts running around the field while Bruce calls out, “One at a time! One at a time!” Johnny just shook his head and said it’s going to be a long day to himself.

The problems continued during the session. Not all the aliens could wear the gloves they were given, and they had to use their own appendages to catch and throw the ball. Bruce had to continually remind them which end of the bat to grasp and how to stand and swing. One alien mis-understood the slide order and slimed the second baseman. It took an hour to clean him up. Another group in the outfield had to be told that ‘catching flies’ meant the balls and not bugs. One alien had difficulty understanding the infield pop fly rule and requested another translation.

Blanche came up to bat and hit one out of the park. “She’s on the team,” Johnny remarks to Bruce.

Finally at the end of a long day, a group of tired and weary beings stood around Johnny and Bruce.

“‘Kay everyone, I want to thank you all for coming.” Bruce calls out. Me and Johnny will judge your performances and select the best ones for the team. The names will be posted in the Mare Inebrium Bar and our first game is just a few weeks from then!”

A week later Bruce posted in the bar the people he and Johnny had selected for the baseball team. Later that evening he showed up with the team uniforms and distributed them to the players.

“Okay everyone, big news. Chicken Lickin’ has agreed to a practice game next week. I need everyone to come out to the park the day after tomorrow in uniform!”

“Do you think we’re ready?” one player asks.

“Sure! This is just what we need. A little game to practice and have some fun!”

“We will crush and destroy our opponents!” the Kazakstan cries out.

“It’s just a game! Go out in the sunshine and have some fun and get publicity for the bar!”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Blanche says.

Game day arrived and the Mare Inebrium team looked out across the park at the Chicken Lickin’ team warming up.

“They look tough,” Bruce says to Johnny.

“Don’t worry about them,” Johnny replies.

Max’s words proved to be prophetic. Johnny had to continually explain things to his teammates. The Kazakstan tackled two of the opposing team’s players while running the bases and had to sit out the rest of the game. Plus, Chicken Lickin’ had a trans-dimensional being on their team. As soon as he hits the ball, he immediately appears safe on the base.

“This guy is killing us!” Max exclaims. “If it weren’t for Blanche’s home runs, we wouldn’t have any runs!”

“I have a plan,” Johnny replies. “I want you to walk the next two guys at bat.”

“What! Are you crazy!” Max cries out.

“Trust me on this.”

Johnny walks the next two batters and the trans-dimensional being comes up next. He hits the ball and immediately appears on first base.

“Out!’ the umpire cries out.

“What?” the Chicken Lickin’ owner shouts.

“Only one man per base!” the umpire calls out. “The last runner is out!”

The other runners still on base were easy outs and the game ended at last. The Mare Inebrium team dragged itself into the bar and sat around the table.

“Well, that went over great,” one player lamented.

“Can we crush and destroy our opponents now that we have defeated them?” the Kazakstan asks.

“Nope, it’s over now,” Bruce says.

A few days later in the bar Max told Bruce that the owner was pulling out of the league. The players could keep their uniforms if they wanted to. Bruce relayed the news to the players who responded with a sigh of relief.

A few weeks later Max is talking to Blanche at the bar when Bruce comes running up to them.

“Hey guys! I got this great idea for the bar. It’s the latest thing. It’s called Karaoke!”

Max looks over at Blanche. “Hey, Blanche, you still got that baseball thing around? Lemme see it.

Okay Bruce, tell me all about this new idea of yours.”

THE END

Bio: “I have had stories published in anthologies like Of Poets, Spies and Unearthliness and Dickensian Steam Fantasy- A very different 1800's, both edited by Sergio Palumbo. I also had a story published in the December issue Schlock magazine with another due in July. I haven't written anything in over 40 years since my college creative writing classes and I am still learning.”

E-mail: Randy Stuart

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