"1001 Ways to Screw Up" by Joe Bachman

Many people would say that it is difficult to invent a new way to screw up. Somehow, I seem to manage finding new ways to screw up all the time. I’ve done it so often that my friends even said that I should write a book called “1001 Ways to Screw Up”. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Then I kept finding ways to even screw that up.

I’m not talking about just forgetting to save the document and losing hours of work. Somehow, I managed to find ways to change the font and lock it so that the font would not change back from Wingdings, or adding in block sections that would not go away and would erase entire paragraphs no matter how many times I hit control-Z to undo the operation.

Finding new ways to screw up isn’t a bad thing though. It does have its perks. For instance, I am the lead researcher for the company I work for. When the company wants to try something new, they let me have access to it first. New safety measure? I can find multiple ways to screw that up. New computer software? I have received messages from software engineers asking how exactly I managed to make their software erase an entire server that wasn’t connected to our network. Especially since the software was meant to just record meetings and provide transcripts.

My company does take care of me very well. I receive a base salary with an additional percentage of every contract we sign with other companies to use my “ability” for finding new ways to screw up. They even automatically enroll me in the best health, vision, dental, and life insurance each year. The reason for that is that I found a new way to screw up the open enrollment system one year and no one caught the issue until the CEO was told his insurance was no longer valid when he went to the doctor for his yearly exam. Plus, they know the danger I am in when I am finding new ways to screw up safety policies.

There is a downside to this “ability” though. The government wants my services. At first, I was worried. The first time they sought me out for my services, they were very polite. After the third time of being turned down though, they started trying other ways of getting me to cooperate.

Eventually though, the government realized that they were still getting my services even without getting my services full time. There was a time that they needed to take down a hacker group that they couldn’t even begin to track down. So, they broke into my house and replaced my computer with one of theirs and even had it connected to their network. I got home from work and started gaming like I always did. I was having a few issues connecting to the game server at first, but after a little tinkering, I was back online and gaming as usual. Unbeknownst to me though, I had managed to screw up their firewall, allowed the hackers in deeper to their servers, but also managed to somehow erase all the backups the hackers had made of vital military information. I only found out about all of this when I came home early from work and caught the Feds putting my original computer back and unhooking their network from my system. That was a very nice payday for me.

I have learned over the years that there are certain things I should never do just so that I don’t find new ways to screw things up. Online banking is a great tool, but when you manage to take down the service for everyone across the country by something as simple as trying to reset the password you forgot, it is time to go back to the old pen and paper model of keeping bank records.

The oddest thing I have been banned from doing is flying on an airplane. Not actually flying it myself, which I imagine I am banned from doing also, but just being a passenger. Why is this the oddest thing, you ask? I have never even been on an airplane. Hell, I have never even been within 50 miles of an airport for that matter. Apparently when you have a reputation like me, the fear of a plane crash from someone pressing the button to call for the flight attendant is a very real thing. Several of the insurance companies I have been contracted to work for over the years apparently told the various airlines that if they wanted to keep their policies, they would do their best to keep me away from their equipment.

There is some good news though. I did manage to finish the book I was writing. Here is a sneak peek at the ending of the story:

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Bio: Joe Bachman has worked in the road construction industry for over 10 years. His normal day job is as a road construction project supervisor overseeing various road projects in Northwest Indiana. Joe has published one book so far called Tales of the Highway, a series of short stories of things that Joe has seen happen on various job sites and while plowing snow. Joe has also coded and released several mobile applications, is an active streamer on Monday and Wednesday nights for his shows Behind the Code and The Burning is Love, and is the founder of the Independent Creator Directory. Joe lives with his wife, Trilaina, in Northwest Indiana. He is also the inventor of the new energy drink "Plow The Town."