Adventures In Science

“Hello everyone, and welcome to Adventures in Science, I’m your host, Professor Bob. Each week here in the Adventure Lab, we explore the fascinating world of science through simple experiments that you can do at home. I know you’re ready to have some fun, so let’s see what we’re doing today.”

The professor picked up a clipboard from the lab table in front of him and pulled a pen from the pocket protector on his lab coat. He used the pen to mark the items on his list. “Ah, first we’ll make a toy volcano erupt using baking soda and battery acid, and then we’ll remove a watermelon seed from a human brain. After that, we’ll check on the progress at our moonshine still, split an atom with a banana, and, if we have time, we’ll rewire a nuclear power plant. But first we need to…”

*DING*

Professor Bob spun around and looked up and down. “What was that? What made that sound?”

“Maybe it vuz the microwave,” answered an invisible voice. “Iz the popcorn ready?”

“No, it must have been the teleporter… WAIT! Who said that? Where are you?”

“It iz I, Baron Psoriasis.” said the voice.

Professor Bob smiled and then chuckled, “Boris, you old vampire ghost, where have you been? We haven’t seen you… well, we’ve never SEEN you… but we haven’t heard from you in months.”

“Vell, zat iz a fascinating story,” said the Baron. “It all started vhen…”

“Excuse me, Boris,” interrupted Professor Bob, “I need to check on that teleporter.”

The professor weaved his way between lab tables covered in flasks, tubes, and Bunsen burners. He picked up speed as he raced past four lab rats playing bridge but hesitated briefly to give a lascivious glance at MissLabMonkey0242, who was putting on make-up for her date that night. Finally arriving at the teleporter platform, he was met by pre-teen twins, the Diphthong children, Neil and Joan. The boy had blonde hair and blue-gray eyes, while the girl sported long, golden curls and blue eyes.

“Ah, the kids!” said the surprised professor, then he turned toward the camera and continued, “You remember the Diphthong twins. They often help me with our science experiments.” Then returning to the children he said, “I see you’ve recovered from the acid burns. Are you ready for another adventure in science?”

Neil flashed a big smile, “Oh, yes! I can’t wait!”

“How about you, Susan?” asked Bob.

“Whatever! And my name is Joan, you moron.” She crossed her arms and scowled.

The professor put his hand to his chin and thought out loud, “Well, if we’re doing an experiment about volcanoes, we should first study them. Let’s use the Timeback machine to go to a really big volcano from the past.”

“Like Krakatoa in 1883,” injected Joan, “When it exploded near Java, it could be heard over 2000 miles away in Australia. The dust that came out of Krakatoa drifted around the Earth several times causing red and orange sunsets.”

“I have it!” declared Professor Bob. “Let’s go back to Krakatoa in 1883. When it exploded, it could be heard in Australia and the dust circled the Earth.”

“I just said that!” screamed Joan.

Bob calmly looked at Joan and said, “This is a team effort, Alice. Don’t try to hog the spotlight.”

“Joan! My name is Joan!”

While Joan steamed, Neil and the professor rummaged through the Random Box until they found the Timeback device. Bob immediately began inserting the location and time information that was needed.

“Zis szounds very dangerous. I don’t zink you should go,” said an invisible voice.

“Oh, no, it’s that crazy Baron Sorryass,” cried Neil.

“It iz pronounced ‘Psoriasis’, with a szilent ‘P’,” said the vampire ghost.

“Yes, I imagine a ghost would pee silently,” giggled Neil.

“Oh, leave him alone,” yelled Joan. “He doesn’t mean any harm; besides we haven’t heard from him in a long time.”

“Strange yu should mention zat, Joan. I vuz juz about to tell Professor Bob about the vild adventure I had…”

“Okay, we’re all set,” said Bob. “Children, move closer to me and all of you kids in TV land should scoot closer to the TV. Don’t worry about those cathode rays making you sterile.”

*Zap*

They landed facedown in ash and mud. It was a struggle for them to stand because the land was sloping, hot, and shaking. To their left and right were swiftly flowing rivers of red, yellow, and orange lava. The deafening roar behind them caused the adventurers to turn and look up the mountain.

“Aaahhh!” screamed Professor Bob. “We’re too close! We’re going to die!”

“Cool,” said the dim-witted Neil.

“Use the time thingy!” yelled Joan.

“I know what I’ll do,” said Bob. “I’ll use the Timeback device!”

Professor Bob nervously punched away at the device, as bits of fiery lava began raining down around him. That’s when he panicked, dropped the Timeback, and started running down the mountain screaming, “I’m gonna die!”

Joan picked up the time machine and yelled, “Come back! I can fix it!”

Bob returned when the earth split open, and the fault line began chasing him back up the hill. Once he was close enough, Joan pushed the button labeled ‘Last’.

*Zap*

The three of them stood silently behind a lab table. They were covered from head to toe in mud. Joan’s hair had tiny smoke spirals wafting upward.

Joan looked at Bob and softly said, “You ruined my hair. I’m going to sue you for everything you’re worth.”

“Talk to my lawyer, Lois,” said Bob.

“Zis reminds me of zomething funny zat happened back in 1524…” began Boris.

“We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsor,” said Professor Bob.

*Click*

A box of breakfast cereal appeared and the “Mary had a little lamb” song began to play.

A narrator’s deep voice said, “The Betty Batter Company introduces PORK TASTIES, the first savory breakfast cereal. These tiny pink and gray pork chop-shaped bits make for a hearty breakfast treat. Mix in some water and it quickly turns blood red. Yum! It’s an easy way to start every day with a solid serving of protein. PORK TASTIES are also rich in zinc, iron, and niacin to build a strong body and mind. Pick up a box of PORK TASTIES at any grocery store or slaughterhouse near you. Now back to our show.”

*Click*

Professor Bob and his companions have cleaned up and are now standing behind a surgical table in a small, cramped operating room. They are wearing Elvis costumes.

“As I promised you at the top of the show,” said Bob, “I’m now going to remove a watermelon seed from a human brain.”

“Why are we dressed like cheap Elvis impersonators?” asked Joan.

“Wanda, it’s a well-known fact that dressing like Elvis makes everything more fun.”

“You don’t even have a patient,” said Joan.

“Sure we do. Hop up on the table, Neil.”

“You’re going to do brain surgery on my brother, why?”

“Last year when we held our annual melon fight at the picnic grounds, I blew a watermelon seed up Neil’s nose. It has since migrated to the middle of his brain. I’m going to remove it.”

“That’s not possible,” stated Joan. “Melon seeds don’t migrate, much less move from the nose to the brain.”

“Once again, I will be ignoring you, Brenda. Now please stand back while I plug in my Black & Decker power tools.”

“Aren’t you going to use anesthesia?”

“It’s not needed,” said Bob. “The brain doesn’t feel pain.”

“But the covering around his brain and scalp does!” countered Joan.

Professor Bob started with the circular saw and finished up with the reciprocating saw. The skull cap came off easily, despite the screams from Neil. Blood was everywhere.

“Mmmmm, bloohd!” moaned Boris. “I miss it zo much. Zare vuz a time vhen bloohd… ”

“Okay, as you can see, I’ve chopped away some of this useless gray stuff and made my way down to the watermelon seed.”

A hallucinatory Neil began to ramble. “I love kittens …I want to be Miss America… So, that’s where Jimmy Hoffa is buried… Never wear white before Labor Day… Close the refrigerator door! I’m an outlaw in Peru…”

“Professor Bob,” said Joan, “that isn’t a watermelon seed, that’s Neil’s pituitary gland. It controls growth and hormones. I don’t think you should… ”

“Ta-da! And just like I promised,” smiled Bob. “We’ve removed that pesky watermelon seed from this boy’s brain. Now we’re going to take a commercial break and when we return we’ll check on our moonshine still in the secret cellar. So don’t go away, we’ll be right back.”

*Click*

The screen exploded with bursting balloons and sparkling stars. Music from a circus organ swelled, and then subsided as a cartoonish, round-faced man appeared. He wore a top hat and a gap-toothed smile. His eyes twinkled, as he said, “Hey, kids! It’s me again, your old friend, Phillin DeBlanc. I’ve got another fantastic offer for you from Havbro, the toy company that loves kids.” A mysterious blue box appeared. On its side, in colorful letters, were the words, Amazing Space Monkeys. “Yes, boys and girls, you too can own your very own colony of Invisible Space Monkeys,” said the strange man. “For the insanely low price of $1.25 and two PORK TASTIES box tops you can own ten thousand tiny, Invisible Space Monkeys” The man gave a curious look. “What’s that? If they’re invisible, how can you see them? We’ve got you covered. For an additional $1999.99, we’ll include a pair of Magic Gamma-Ray Glasses. With these glasses you can see the Space Monkeys, look through walls, and even ogle people’s private bits. So, hurry up and place your order. I’m waiting to hear from YOU!”

*Click*

Professor Bob and the kids are standing in a dark, damp cellar. Behind them are some metal tanks connected by twisted, copper tubing. Neil is wearing a bowler hat and a vacant stare.

“So here we are in the super secret cellar,” said Bob.

“It’s just your regular basement,” commented Joan, “and why is Neil wearing that hat?”

Professor Bob cleared his throat. “Uhhh, I couldn’t find his skull cap, but don’t worry, the hat has been antisepticalized.”

“Antisepticalized? Is that even a word?”

“We’re ignoring you, Margaret,” sneered Bob and then to the camera he added, “Okay, everyone, let’s move on to a taste test of our moonshine.” Bob picked up a small jug and took a sip. His cheeks bulged, his face turned red, and his eyes crossed.

He handed the jug to Neil. “Give it a try, kid. It’ll put hair on your gonads.”

“NO! He’s too young!” cried Joan.

Neil took a swig and dropped the jug. He grabbed the brim of his hat with both hands and began jumping around the cellar, while making noises like a freight train.

When he stopped jumping, Neil yelled, “I’M BLIND! I CAN’T SEE!”

Professor Bob said, “Relax. You pulled the hat down over your eyes. You’re okay.”

“Vell, I zink… ” said Boris.

“Shut up!” said Bob. “No one cares what a dead vampire thinks. Just go away. Anyway I’ve got to get ready for my date tonight.”

“But you were going to split an atom with a banana,” said Joan.

With much disgust, Bob pulled a banana out of his pocket and handed it to Joan. “Here, smartass, you do it.”

“This isn’t a banana. It’s a plantain,” replied Joan.

Professor Bob snatched the fruit from Joan and jammed it back into his pocket. “MissLabMonkey0242 will appreciate this more than you.” Bob glanced at his watch. “Well, it’s almost time to go. I don’t want to be late for my date.”

“You’re dating a lab animal?” questioned Joan.

Bob sighed. “Yes, we’re dating, Charlene, but I’m sure we’ll soon be taking our relationship to the next level.”

“You’re sick, Bob. You disgust me.”

“Aha!” cried Professor Bob. “You’re prejudiced against primates!”

“No, I’m not. You don’t qualify as a primate.”

“Now, now,” said the Baron, “don’t get angry. Zis reminds me of two little kidz zat…”

“Lassie, come home!” yelled Neil, as he spun in a circle trying to grab his own butt.

Bob threw his hands in the air and turned to the camera. “I’m out of here. See you next week, kids.”

Joan was startled by Bob’s abrupt exit but looked into the camera and said, “Well, I guess it’s just us now.” She thought for a second. “I’m sorry if Professor Bob didn’t teach you any science today, but if you go to our website, I’ll post the instructions you need to make a really cool car that runs on air. That’s right, just AIR! You can find all the materials to build it right around your house. It’ll be easy and fun. Until next time, remember… Science is a blast!”

As the credits rolled, Neil bumped into a chair and said, “I know the exact location of every food item in the grocery store… I don’t perspire… the laws of physics don’t apply to me.”

*Click*

One week later Professor Bob meets Neil at the teleporter. Neil’s skin is now dark gray and flaking.

Bob is shocked by Neil’s appearance. “Geez, kid, what’s wrong with you?”

“Oh, it’s just my allergy acting up. I’ll be fine.”

“Allergy? I hope it’s not contagious.” Bob looks around. “Hey, where’s whats-her-name?”

“I guess you didn’t get the memo. This is the last show. You’ve been cancelled. As for Joan, she quit and signed a new contract with another network. She now has her own show called Real Science Adventures. Baron Psoriasis went with her. What’s the matter, Professor Bob? Now you don’t look so good.”

“A small panic attack.” Bob took a deep breath and tried to pull himself together. “Well, I guess it’s just you and me, kid.”

“Sorry, Professor Bob, I can’t stay. I’m filming my comedy special today. So what are you doing on the last day of your show?”

Bob sighed and shook his head. “I suppose I’ll put on an Elvis costume, get a bag of monkey chow for my girlfriend, and spend some time at the moonshine still.” Then he puffed up his chest and tried to show some courage. “But I’ve had a good run, haven’t I? Sure, there’s been some rough times, but it was always fun, wasn’t it?” Turning to the camera, “We’ve explored a lot of science, kids, and now it’s time to move on. Goodbye, boys and girls. I’ll miss you. Goodbye.” Bob put on a big fake smile and waved… and waved… and waved.

Neil stared at Professor Bob for a long time then said. “Uh, Bob, you’ve got another twenty-two minutes to go.”

Bob dropped to his knees, buried his face in his hands, and sobbed softly. “Oh, dear god, just go to a commercial.”

*Click*

THE END

Bio: George Schaade is a retired history teacher that loves writing science fiction and humor. His stories often reflect the comic books and pulp magazines that he was raised on.

E-mail: Author's Website

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