by Richard Tornello
IN most every organization or government agency there’s at least one
person, though not incompetent enough to get fired and/or the runt of
some politicos litter, who is the one given the least important tasks,
the ones that no career-oriented human would want or volunteer for. In
the Counter Terrorism Division of the Washington FBI, that person was
Major Chen-ren Shazi (retired).
The Director reviewed the letter from the President and passed it
on to his deputy stating, “this is total bullshit. No one has a clue
what the President thinks needs to be done. Read it.”
The deputy looked at the letter and rolled her eyes. “This is
someone's idea of a hoax. This should blow over or some group will
admit to this expecting accolades. We’ll just flatten them.”
“Probably so but in the mean time they have enough money and
technical skill to broadcast it all over the damned planet as well as
override the Internet censors. The President wants answers. I don’t
want to waste our time. What do you suggest?”
A broad smile broke out across her face. Simultaneously they said,
Major Shazi (retired), known to his associates as Chunren or Shaz
for short, looked at the book of data he was given by the Deputy
Director. “I’ll start on this immediately,” he responded and, military
style, made a quick about face and was walking to his office when he
heard, “You’ve got 48 hours at the most. The President wants answers
and a solution.”
The Deputy Director considered "maybe this jerk will really
things up and we can get rid of him once and for all. We could use the
Shazi began to read the file. He went online and
brought up the declaration. It went as follows:
WE of the Union wish not to hurt anyone yet we believe we have not
been given the respect and acknowledgement due our position within the
whole of society and the world. To that end we promise to make your
lives rather miserable save for necessary operations like hospitals,
fire fighting and some specific police activity that we will select
throughout the planet. Read the following and tremble:
“Your I-pad won’t work and you all ain’t no jerks.
Your screen stopped scrolling, and the keyboard’s corroding.
Your FiOS and bios are fried.
As for craft in the heavens and jets that fly?
Fly by wire and computer alighted?
All will rumble, stumble, tumble down from the sky.
An approach broached, grounded and not theoretical.
Controlled-through by digital, your autos mechanical,
now crashing, bashing and thoroughly smushed.
QED and Maxwell’s equations,
the keys to modern life’s situations?
An end as you know it.
To the 19th century, or earlier?
Not even a bet, you’ll go it!!
Still got gravity’s push
It ain’t all that much.
But without it, good-bye tush.
Shazi walked into
the Director’s office without even knocking. “Sir,” he said, “is this
sort of joke you are all playing on me. It isn’t even close to 1 April?
I know you all think I’m an idiot, but this is too much. I do have some
pride. Have you read all of this?
The Director looked up smiling, “No Chen-ren, this is real. We have
no idea who these people are, where the come from, the manner of their
organization, how their threats can be carried out or anything other
than what you have in your hands. Every government on the planet has
received the exact copy you have. I think it’s a grand hoax but our
President, ‘bless his heart’ as my grandmother would say when someone
nuts like him came to a church affair, states something so stupid
and is so important, and,” he took a breath before he concluded, "that
that person has to be brain damaged or needed to be put out of his or
“The Assistant Director and I decided you were the best person to
deal with this because of your rather unorthodox manner of analysis,
and that it required thinking out side any box the rest of us live in.”
Shazi was pleased with this answer and smiled. “Oh
thank you for this honor. I will return to my desk and continue the
“Yes you do that," answered the Director. "And please, two things.”
“ What may they be?”
“Next time knock before entering and shut the door as you leave.”
He wanted to say "don’t let it hit you in the butt as you leave", but
some decorum was required to keep up appearances.
“Yes sir,” said Major Shazi (retired) and snapped to a salute,
faced, gently shut the door and marched back to his office. “They
really think I can handle this. They finally realize I’m not a jerk or
an idiot. Even the President thinks this is important. Lots of coffee
and no sleep until I’m done,” he said to himself with a great smile.
He reread the proclamation again up to the point he stopped
attempting to wrap his mind around the thinking that might be behind
this note, joke or actual threat. He read on.
We want parity with reality.
No spin around, no up, and no down.
No lucky charms or Feynman yarns.
We demand a union with relative’s theology!
It may take some work.
We know you’re not jerks.
We’re not diabolical,
just quantum mechanical.
So give us the same
where relativity’s sanctity is claimed.
Quantum Mechanics on Strike!”
"Well, well," he thought. "This is pretty funny. And who has the
to nullify quantum reality?" He reread the whole letter and as he
concluded it for at least the third time, he had a new, unbelievable,
realization that was nothing short of a revelation. He went to the
library and brought up a few articles on new theories in physics.
He ran to the Director's office, and knocked on the door. The
Director said, ”enter.”
“Sir, please call your deputy. I know what this is about!”
The deputy came in wearing a sneer of derisive scorn and clearly
displeasure, stating most bluntly, “ Major Shazi, we all know you’re an
idiot. Why we hired you is beyond me. That you even think you have
solved this joke is a waste of all our time. We have terrorists to
capture, plots to subvert, and other such real and important things.”
“Yes madam Director," he said eyes looking down. “BUT, I understand
what this is about. My own studies in physics, my experiences in
transcendental meditation and other related shall we say drug induced
activities gives me an open window…” He was abruptly cut off.
“The only open window it the one you’re going to be thrown out of,”
yelled the director.
“Please hear me out.”
The Director hit a button and two Marine Guards stepped in. “Please
escort Major Shazi (retired), and now fired, psychedelic ex-agent, out
the building. Relieve him of his badge, ID and gun."
To the Deputy
Director he smiled, “Well, we finally got him. He admitted to drugs
are forbidden, obviously while passing the lie detector test, but we
got him. This joke that someone is playing on the planet will soon fade
away and we can do our jobs, and retire most comfortably.”
As Major Shazi was being escorted out, he asked the guards, “Please
release my arms. That hurts!” They did. They always liked him, even
though they were aware that everyone thought he was an idiot and jerk.
He was never a danger.
“Come on, let's take the elevator. We’re going to miss you,” one of
Major Shazi pleaded, “Please, let’s take the steps. Please? I
will not run or do anything untoward.”
“Why not, sure,” said the other.
As they reached the front doors a great noise was heard from the
sky toward Washington National Airport. Two jets just fell out of the
sky. All the cars, trucks and busses stopped in the streets, smashing
into one another, and all manner of windows in shops and buildings went
Major Shazi (retired) looked at the two guards and said. “I didn’t
to be trapped in the elevator. That message was not from a terrorist
organization. It was from the core of the
universe realizing that we were now up to speed technologically and
that this part of the whole, meaning us, now needed to be accepted and
co-joined just as relativity is. You’ve heard of quantum mechanics?” He
asked the two marines.
One said, “Yeah sure I watch Big Bang.”
The other nodded and asked, “What has that to do with anything
Major Chen-ren Shazi replied, “Everything. All the quantum
mechanics on earth are now on strike.”
© 2021 Richard Tornello
Richard Tornello began writing short stories and poems about 14
years ago. He has self-published 4 children’s books including one
self-illustrated book of poems.
Rick was the art editor of Quantum Muse and has been
published in Aphelion-webzine.com, Orion’s Arm.com,
ShortHumour.org.uk, and has few stories in the anthologies: “A
Flash of Aphelion,” “Fantastical Savannahs And Jungles”, and “XENOBIOLOGY”.
He studied at The Art Students League in NYC and later picked up a
degree in History with an advanced certification in Asian Studies from
Rutgers University. Post graduate studies concentrated in Chinese
He and his two partners started and owned one of the first nationally
based resume database companies specializing in high tech, computer
security and various advanced systems of specialized nature. He
continues to have a strong interest in propulsion physics and
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Rick also competed in off hand pistol and bench rest shooting for over
20 years and continues to shoot, draw, and write after retiring from
headhunting 2 years ago.
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