DOUBLE WIDE

by Jim Parnell

Shoot the Messenger

A Look Ahay-ud,
Courtesy of the Grays

Abduction, genetic experiments, black choppers, men in black. You know, there's a script all abduction stories follow -- it's in the fine print of the B.U.L.L.C.R.A.P. union (Brotherhood of Unrepentant Liars, Losers, Conspiracy Ravers And Paranoids). Regardless of the particulars, all abduction stories share certain elements in order to lend an air of credibility by sheer virtue of similarity with other abduction stories. In this way the cards support the house: say a lie enough times and people believe it. Hitler knew it, McCarthy knew it (I know, who the hell is McCarthy. Look it up.) In this age of cynicism, all successful politicians have this mantra tattooed across their butts.
Ignore inconvenient details like prior publication of other abduction stories, and the seamy motivation of interviews conducted for publicity to publish a book. Ignore the lack of hard evidence and all plausible, but mundane explanations. Elevate hearsay to the level of fact. Ignore the sometimes laughable quality of "proof". Hey, we're talkin' ALIENS here!
Anyway, During his last "abduction", Bubba claims that the Grays (who in an earlier age were Green) took him into the future to see the mess we Humans had made of everything. To me, this sounded suspiciously like Alien Abduction Scenario #19:

Aliens abduct bumpkin from trailer or shotgun shack.

Aliens go into future to gauge reaction of "representative" specimen

Upon seeing how badly we've screwed up, Human breaks down in a revolting display of tearful self-flagellation.

Aliens secretly get Big Kick from this confirmation of their superiority. When they're done humiliating Human, they pick up the beer cans and stub out their smokes.

Human's memory is wiped so he can't spill the beans.

Human is tagged with a thing in their neck, or in Carmen's case, an anal probe for later re-abductions. This is so they can scrawl in Alien Bathrooms, "For a gud time, kidnap Terran 555-7651"

Human is dumped, sometimes naked, and without cab fare.

So I asked Bubba why they didn't wipe his memory when he got back. He said that only works in higher mammals.
He had me there.
At any rate, he said he got these papers off a Gray lady's nightstand (he always did have a way with the, uh, whatevers), which promptly burst into flame, but he recovered the ashes and deciphered it using tobacco juice and a book of crossword puzzle answers, but it was re-stolen by MIBs, so he had to write it all down from memory.
And if you believe that, I'd say you have a bright future in B.U.L.L.C.R.A.P. !

Zaggzig Mann's Halloween
And now, the news...
Status Report 2

Jim Parnell squashes bugs for a living -- like the ones that infest your computer. He plans to be on full life-support in a commercial airliner booking flights and making electronic trades at 23:59:59, December 31, 1999.

You can e-mail Jim Parnell at bubba@recomnet.net