Latest report from alien subject known as "Smoker".  Belligerent operations imminent.

Zaggzig Mann, Mission Sociologist, Spiral Arm Survey #34576217

System local calendar: December 4, 1998

New evidence indicating overtly brain-dead behavior of semi-sentient infestation calling selves "human bee-ins" surfacing with stunning regularity. Pathetic attempts to automate smoke-and-mirror financial transactions has resulted in impending collapse of world monetary system due to virulent infection known as "The Y2K Bug". This is threatening supply of lite beer and Beverly Hillbillies reruns to rest of Galaxy. Merger with Disney Mega-Galactic appears inevitable to protect their investment.

Lemming-like masses of bee-ins congregating in spawning rituals at communal brain-erosion emporiums still confusing our probes, dammit. Standard greetings result in beer poured over probe: "You come here often? You must be a Libra. I've got it, you're an Italian! Henh?! You're Jewish? Love your nails. Your place of mine?"

Wanton waste of precious beer and forceable submersion in Unmentionable Whirlpool or was that an American Standard, shorting out probe master circuits. Nanobugs dropping like flies in cigarette smoke-filled bilge-gas called "air" in bars. Latest batch of probe programmers have now honorably self-immolated.

However, one probe design appears highly effective. Cute little round canine wearing glasses and spewing cynical abuse strikes sympathetic responses from disheartened Information Age wage-slaves generated by current phase of social engineering. Remnants of previous Industrial Age phase atrophying as planned.

Source of interference with "Golden Age of Cheese" television broadcast suite identified, but not located. Still a top priority. Suggest immediate invocation of Prime Invective and full activation of the Suppression Corps against this filthy smelly creature.

Request personal satisfaction of vanquishing this criminal in hand-to-tentacle combat. Also request honor of keeping CAT Diesel Pahr hat as trophy.

Awaiting yr. orders,

-Zaggzig

P.S. Send less flammable probe programmers.

Read more by Jim Parnell.

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