I glanced over at Ka’Lynn and smiled. "What are you smiling at?" she asked.
"The way the you hair outshines the sun." I replied. We looked at each other and something passed between us like lightening flickering between thunder heads. She smiled again and I was lifted from my heart.
"Would you like to go somewhere cooler?" I asked.
"Sure, where to?"
"How about somewhere you haven't been before."
"Sure!" Ka’Lynn was always ready for an adventure and with her being one year older than my fifteen she had more often than not been the mastermind behind our many adventures. Not to mention the cause of most of my most painful accidents and punishments.
"I have a secret place. I've been going there for years. I'll take you there, if you want. Its just up the beach a ways."
"Good, lets go!" her excitement almost matched mine. Was she feeling and thinking what I was? Did she burn hotter than the fat afternoon sun? I believed she did.
We held hands as we strode down the beach away from the docks. A comfortable silence hanging between us like the sigh of the gentle breeze through the trees that lined the beach.
"Look. Up there, just to the right of that boulder that looks like a butt." I said and she laughed and replied, "It does look like a butt!"
"Now, look for the dark shadow right beyond it."
"Oh! Is it a cave?"the excitement had grown in her voice. She had always been the first into a newly discovered cave.
"Yeah, that’s where we're going."
As we climbed the easy slope, picking our way carefully through the loose limestone she asked, "Why haven't you brought me here before? You know how I love caves."
"I know, but this was my secret place." I said panting a bit from the climb. "I come here when I need a place to think, to be alone. Where I know I won't be found."
"So why bring me here now?" she asked as we reached the entrance to the cave and stood upright.
"I just felt like it was time to share it with you." I said.
Ka’Lynn smiled and leaned forward. She placed her hands on my cheeks and kissed me for the first time. Oh, what a sweet kiss. I can still remember how warm her lips were, and how her body trembled ever so slightly against me. "Come on." I said and headed into the cool darkness of the cave, my face burning hotly, but my youthful body burning hotter.
Inside, I made my way over to a small ledge that I used as a shelf and lit a candle. I heard Ka’Lynn catch her breath with awe as the yellow flame reflected from the thousands of quartz crystals throughout the cave. "It’s so beautiful." she whispered.
"It’s ugly compared to you." I replied, knowing how sappy that sounded but meaning it none-the-less. Ka’Lynn’s face lit with a beautiful smile as we fell into each others arms, kissing and holding one another.
Our kisses grew more passionate and our hands more adventurous. I gently lowered her onto the pallet I had in the center of the cave. She didn't resist. She was ready. And more than that, she loved me.
My urgency was iron against my leg. My desire such that it could not be quenched. I began to pull at her tunic. It wouldn't give. I pulled harder, gaining a gasp from her, but no more. Then the sweet satisfaction of fabric tearing, the song as threads broke and released her body to me. It fueled my passion until I was beyond myself.
I released my desire from its restraint and battered her, trying to gain entrance. Finally, I was one with her, and yet alone with the burning coals of my lust. Thrusting and slamming into her until I was spent.
As I lay atop her with my face buried in her hair, panting and smiling with the pure joy of lust, I realized that she was still. I raised up and shock and horror replaced my joy. It was then that I realized that her cries had not been of lust, but of pain and fear. Blood was pooling under head. I had beaten her head against the hard, cold stone of the cave floor until I had ended her life.
I left her there and as far as I know she is still there. Never again did I go back to my cave. Never again did I sleep the sleep of innocence and peace. At first I lived in a constant state of terror, waiting for the King’s Guard to come and take me away. Knowing that with each knock at my door I would be discovered and cast out into the Great Sea, never to be seen again.
Yes; but in reality that was the easy part, wasn't it: facing my loving family who thought I was such a good son, my friends who loved me and the neighbors and teachers who doted on me. To look into their eyes and know that they despised and reviled me, that would be the hard part. And to look into Ka’Lynn’s parents face and see the pain that would live there forever, and to know that I was the cause.
But the King’s Guard had never come. The search for Ka’Lynn had gone on for weeks before it was finally decided that she must have fallen into the Great Sea and been swept away in its strong currents. An empty cask was buried and a marker bearing only her name had been placed in Port Ma’Tok’s memorial grounds and life had slowly moved on.
The next three years saw many changes. A new Queen had been selected by lottery and I had finally moved from my parents home and began working at Port Ma’Tok’s busiest pier. Not the lofty position my family had wanted, and my teachers had predicted for me. But it paid enough to support me and gave me the anonymity that I had grown to need.
Since Ka’Lynn’s murder I had become a recluse. I had dropped my friends and isolated myself from my family. I was afraid of discovery to be sure, but most of all I was afraid of myself, and the guilt weighed on me constantly. How could I go on to the University? How could I aspire to great things? How could I allow myself to be happy when at any moment I could be discovered and it could all be taken away from me? So I lived a lonely and frightened life. It had become a habit of mine to visit the local tavern most nights and have a few cups of ale on my way home from the pier. This night I was seated at a small table in the corner, sipping my ale and watching the patrons laugh and slap each other on the back, feeling very alone.
A voice spoke softly to me, "May I join you?" I looked up from the bottom of my cup and into a handsome older woman’s smiling face. I knew she was a woman for hire. I had seen her here many times. My mind, buzzed with alcohol and a deep desire for human companionship. It had been three years since Ka’Lynn. Surely it had been a one-time thing. Surely I could bed this woman and not repeat my mistake. "Yes, please, sit." I said. It was dark outside by now and she was quite lovely by candlelight. We talked about the weather for a while and eventually she told me her price.
We left the tavern and walked back into the dark alley behind it. I was incensed with the possibilities, burning with raw lust. As soon as we had traveled far enough not to be easily seen I thrust her against the stone wall and began ripping her clothes from her. With the first tear of fabric she gasped and said, "You'll have to pay for that!"
I pulled off my tunic, not caring what I would have to pay for. And for only the second time in my life I had sex with a woman. And for the second time in my life, I committed murder.
When I was sated I leaned off of her and she slipped quietly to the ground and did not move. My hand prints a dark bruise on her throat. I fled in terror.
I returned to the tavern the next night and no one even spoke of her death, after all, she was only a whore.
Over the next few months I repeated this pattern with two more women. Never consciously choosing to kill the women I hired, but the end result was the same. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I love without killing? I became ever more the recluse, losing my job because I was simply unable to go to work.
Even a recluse hears the local gossip and news though. The Queen’s Guard had been called in and patrols had doubled. They were looking for a killer, but no one was looking at me. The guilt was eating me alive. At night I dreamed of murder and mayhem. During the day I hid behind closed doors and flinched at every passing pedestrian, knowing for certain that each sound was the Queen’s Guard coming to point their fingers at me and cast me into the Great Sea for my crimes.
But, as before, no one came. No accusations were hurled. I was not blamed for my actions. Before long necessity dictated that I do something about my job. So, I went back to the docks and told the Dock Master that I had been terribly ill. Having always been a diligent, and hard working employee who never gave anyone any trouble, he accepted my excuse. I'm sure my appearance helped my case, I was pale and week with dark circles under my eyes.
My seclusion was even greater than before. I rarely spoke to my fellow workers, and my nightly trips to the tavern stopped completely. I resented even having to go to the market to get my food.
It was on one of these dreaded trips that I met La’Mille. We bumped into each other coming around a stall and I dropped my supplies. She laughed at the sight, "I'm so sorry, I'm just a bit clumsy today." I stuttered.
Her smile was an eerie echo of Ka’Lynn’s, bright, cheerful and full of life. I excused myself and tried to head for home, but she followed me chattering all the way. At my door she said, "How surprising, I live just a few doors down. Maybe we could have dinner one night?"
"Maybe." I replied as I let myself in the door.
Two days later she was back at my door. I made an excuse about having to go into work late. The next day she was back, I made another excuse. And the next, and the next.
Finally I began to weaken. She was so beautiful and obviously interested in me. Surely I could try again. I had learned so much from my fear and my guilt. Surely I wouldn't repeat the mistakes of my past yet again! So I gave in and consented to dinner at her house.
At first all was well. Her home was small and scarcely decorated. But the table was set with her finest dishes and two tapered candles were burning brightly on the table.
"You're very quite aren't you." she said. "Yes. I'm sorry." I answered.
"No. Don't apologize, I like that. It means you're introspective and intelligent. Most men just want to carry on and on about the last Taj’ ball game, or tell extravagant lies about their conquests. I get so tired of all that macho mumbo jumbo. It’s nice to spend the evening with a handsome man who listens for a change."
I smiled at her, I couldn't think of anything to say. I couldn't think of anything at all, her mere presence seemed to deprive me of my senses. I began to feel the stirring of lust and fear. Every time I released my lust an innocent woman died. Dare I even think of it again?
Her body language was clear. And her clothes left little to the imagination.
After dinner she led me to the couch and settled down right against me with a twinkle in her eye. She told me about herself, about how she worked for Governor Es’Pere’s office as a clerk, about how her family lived on Lake Ra’Skeen, about how she came to live in Port Ma’Tok. All the while, her hand traced lines up and down my arm, her fingers played with the hair on the back of my head, sending shivers throughout my body.
My resolve was weakening by the moment and I knew I had to leave. This woman was showing more interest in me than anyone had since Ka’Lynn and I felt my heart rising to the occasion. Rather unceremoniously I disentangled myself from her and made my escape.
Home. Relief. Safety. I was proud of myself, I had enjoyed an evening with a beautiful young woman without committing a capital offense. I vowed to never see her again.
She would have it otherwise though.
The very next night she appeared at my door. Scantily clad and all smiles. Without waiting for an invitation she brushed by me and into my home. "I figured since I fed you dinner last night, you could return the favor tonight." She said smiling mischievously.
"I haven't got much." I said, "But you're welcome to what I have."
I didn't need to say anything, she was already in my kitchen scrounging through my cabinets.
Later, after an eclectic but tasteful dinner I cautiously allowed her to get close to me again. Soon we were kissing passionately. As I felt myself stiffen with lust, I made excuses and escorted her to the door.
After she had gone I paced and paced. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted her, here with me. I wanted to shout out to the world that I loved her. I wanted to dance in the taverns and make love to her on the beach.
The next few weeks were the most wonderful of my life. For the first time in so many years I let someone into my life, into my heart. My entire personality shifted. I began not only talking to my coworkers but laughing with them and joining them for drinks after work. I finally met my neighbor and even had a friendly evening chat with him. My life changed. And finally I was ready to be with her.
Her home was warm and smelled of the fine food we had just dined upon. We were curled upon the couch holding each other and kissing. I looked into her eyes and without speaking told her that I was ready. She smiled at what she saw and slowly led me to her bedroom.
We were slow and deliberate, we had waited too long to rush things now. I laid her gently down on her bed and slowly undid the buttons of her dress, revealing her breasts to the caress of my calloused hands and parched lips. Our lovemaking was soft and tender, not the heated and deadly assaults of my youth. Slowly my rhythm began to pick up pace. I was panting and sweating profusely and she was moaning and stroking my back with her nails. That was when I think it began to happen. It seemed as if I floated up and out of myself and watched in shock and disbelief as my hands found their way around her neck and took hold with a vengeance. I watched, unable to control any part of myself as I strangled her, as my fingers turned white from the exertion of choking the life out of her. Her eyes bulged in their sockets, sheer terror imprinted on them for the rest of eternity. As I climaxed she died.
It was some time before I came to myself. I sat up from her bed and screamed at the top of my lungs. I ran to the living room throwing my clothes on as fast as I could and slammed out of her house like a mad man, heedless of the looks from neighbors who had come to their porch seeking the source of the scream.
When I gained my home I shut myself in and bolted the windows and doors and sat in the floor shaking and sweating. How? How? How could it have happened again. Was I not allowed to love? To be loved? Why would I do these things that repelled me so.
Later that night I heard approaching steps, not one or two this time but many and they were in a hurry. There was pounding on my door and shouts to let them enter in the name of the Queen.
As the last of my life flowed from my veins the door finally splintered but it wasn't the Queen’s Guard I saw entering my home, it was La’Mille, and Ka’Lynn and the others welcoming me into peace at last.
Bio: Matthew Reed is 32 years old and lives in Kentucky. He has been writing short stories since the age of 14 and this is my first published work. He would very much like to hear your opinions about this story.
E-mail: mreed00@pop.uky.edu
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