Everett Kaboom disappeared one stormy, stewy night. He had locked his doors and proceeded to make stew. Known as the Stewmeister because of his obsession with stew, Kaboom was in pursuit of the ultimate stew. The stew to end all stews. His neighbors could smell such an appetizing smell that they were stirred into a feverish frenzy for stew. Kaboom spent hours making his stew. Then one Michael Miggy banged on his front door demanding a bowl of stew. The following morning Kaboom failed to show for work at a restaurant named Freddie Mac’s Soup, Soup and Even More Soup.
When the police arrived on the scene they discovered a big pot of stew on the stove and a trail of stew from the kitchen to the bedroom. Leading the investigation was Detective Armbruster, a twenty-year veteran. His expertise lay in the field of food-related crimes.
The detective lifted the lid off the metal pot containing the stew and was instantly intoxicated by the aroma. He licked his lips and fought the compulsion. Few knew of his dark, little secret.
Since childhood Detective Armbruster had ravenously indulged in peppers. His grandmother had fed him stuffed peppers, peppers stuffed into peppers, pepper alamode, and her favorite chili heaped with a variety of peppers. It got to the point that he could only eat with the assistance of peppers. By the age of fifteen he had twice won the Sherman County pepper-eating contest. Then by nineteen he’d been resuscitated five times from pepper-related incidents. One of these involved eating a habanero pepper and failing to wash his hands afterwards. His grandparents lived on a farm and he was assigned to milk Gertrude the cow. Once he touched her with his fiery hands, Gertrude’s eyes bugged out of their sockets as she vocalized her discomfort. She then proceeded to stomp him into the ground.
While in college Armbruster started receiving treatment for his pepper addiction. Upon becoming a detective he was assigned food-related cases. His superiors knew of his history with peppers and felt this would be an area that would both challenge him and test his fortitude.
After investigating the scene of the disappearance, which revealed only the trail of stew, the detective decided to interview those closest to Kaboom. His first stop was at the Jiffy Mart where the Stewmeister did his grocery shopping.
Cathy, the young woman who checked him out two nights before, appeared shaken to learn of her favorite customer’s disappearance. She told the detective, "Mr. Kaboom was really a very nice man, though a bit eccentric about his purchases. The last time I saw him he was very maniacal. I witnessed him taking vegetables out of other customers shopping carts. He definitely was a man with a mission."
While showing the detective the vegetables Kaboom had selected from the produce department, Armbruster nearly had a fit upon spotting the lovely variety of peppers. He wished everybody would suddenly disappear so that he could partake. Once again he had been tested and passed.
The next interview was with PaPa Please, owner of PaPa Please’s Soup and Crackers. It was here that Kaboom first worked after graduating from the Tracadory Culinary School for Food Fetishers and Egotists. PaPa was a massive man with a graying beard that hid portions of soup and crackers. He was at first most cordial and friendly. However, upon hearing his prodigy’s name mentioned, he became very upset.
"Kaboom has the audacity to call himself the Stewmeister," PaPa said. "Why, I taught him everything he knows. He then quit on me without so much as a week’s notice and took with him my secret recipe. I’ve heard that he’s planning to sell it as his own. With the exception of a few added ingredients, it is my recipe. I’m the one who owns it. I swear, if this is true, I’m going to sue him!"
The detective looked suspiciously at the angry man. Could it be that one of Kaboom’s enemies had done something to him?
His final interview was with Kaboom’s girlfriend. Betty Boogie was a gorgeous blonde who worked as a dental hygienist. Reportedly she was the most popular dental hygienist among male clients.
"I loved Everett so much," she told the detective. "I never knew a man who could cook like he could." The thought of Kaboom’s cooking caused her to drool slightly. "I’ll never forget the time we spent three days eating nothing but stew. I just can’t imagine anything bad happening to him. I wasn’t aware of any threats."
Returning to Kaboom’s house, Detective Armbruster tried once again to discover any evidence. He had reached a dead-end in his investigation. He simply could not find sufficient evidence of foul play or any other logical reason for the chef’s disappearance. The trail of stew leading to the bedroom puzzled him. What had caused Kaboom to spill the stew and then just vanish?
Opening the refrigerator he found the pot of stew on the top shelf. Something inside was warning him to stay away. But he knew there was something in this stew that would enlighten him.
After heating it on the stove, the detective sat at Kaboom’s round glass dining table and indulged himself with a bowl of stew. Looking into the stew he could almost swear that he saw skull and crossbones. With hand shaking, he took his first spoonful. Wow! His mouth came alive as weird thoughts raced through his brain. With the second spoonful his world changed. The red lamp next to the television turned green. The large plaid sofa became very small. Then lights appeared from nowhere.
The detective tried not to panic. In his mind he tried rationalizing what was happening. It wasn’t real. He was still the same person. Getting to his feet, he started walking towards the kitchen. At times he couldn’t feel his legs, then he felt like his eyes were vibrating with each step he took.
What happened next was most bizarre. The detective had just stepped into the kitchen when suddenly he was seated at a table with three other men in some restaurant not of this world.
He watched as two of the men argued about food. As they did, a waiter brought plates of different food. In between bites the two continued their argument.
Looking over at another table the detective watched in amazement as a portly gentleman ate in disgust, expanding in weight with each bite.
"I do love lasagna so," the amazing expanding man announced.
Suddenly he dropped his fork and clutched his stomach and gave a massive belch. He looked pleadingly to the others for help.
The third man sitting silently next to the detective said, "Duck!"
Everyone dove under the table as seconds later an explosion occurred. When they resurfaced the man was nowhere to be found.
"I don’t think we’ve met," said the man who gave the warning. "My name is Alfred Whittle. I’m the owner of a large fast-food chain on the East Coast."
The detective, stunned by the explosion, said, "I’m Detective Armbruster. I was looking for a guy named Everett Kaboom."
Whittle laughed. "The Stewmeister? Why, he’s back in the kitchen putting the final touch on that infernal stew of his."
The two critics stopped their discussion and listened attentively. Hearing mention of stew caused them to begin arguing the benefits and liabilities of stew.
Whittle continued, "I know you’re confused, Detective. We all were at first. You have entered another dimension for food fetishers and egotists. Everybody here has a problem related to food. These two jokers," pointing to the critics, "were film critics with an emphasis on the culinary film flicks. Food is the only topic in this world. You see, Detective, this is our hell. This is where those who in the other world were obsessed and obnoxious go."
One of the critics turned to the detective and asked, "So, which method do you prefer when dipping stew? Is it the deep half cup method or is it the stick-your-cup-in-up-to-your-elbow method?"
Suddenly from the kitchen bounced the Stewmeister. His long hair was wrapped in a bun with a fishnet covering it.
"I’ve done it!" he announced. "The stew is done. A bowl for everyone."
The detective got to his feet. "Are you Everett Kaboom, alias the Stewmeister?"
The chef took a step back and inspected the man. "Yes I am. And who are you?"
"My name is Detective Armbruster, and I’ve been searching for you for the past two days."
The Stewmeister seemed puzzled then laughed. "You have to be joking, Detective. I’ve gone nowhere. I’ve been in the kitchen making stew. Just take a seat and enjoy a bowl of stew."
A helper wheeled out a cart. On it was a large metal pot similar to the one the detective had heated. There were also bowls, spoons, napkins, crackers and iced tea. Customers eagerly accepted bowls of stew. Suddenly the nearly empty restaurant was filled with stew-eating customers. The two critics actually stopped talking and gorged themselves. Only Whittle slowly paced himself.
Within a short time explosions could be heard. Emptied seats were quickly refilled with more explosive personalities. Kaboom was in the kitchen urging his staff to hurry. After the two film critics exploded, the detective finally sat down next to Whittle and sighed.
Whittle smiled and said, "It’s okay, Detective. This is part of life in this world. It may be sick but the way customers show appreciation for the chef is by exploding in glee."
The detective asked, "But when does it end?"
Whittle replied, "When you explode. Don’t ask me what happens then. No one has returned to tell. The reason I’ve lasted is that I know how to pace myself. It’s those who consume rapidly that explode."
It then crossed the detective’s mind. Why was he really here?
Whittle said, "I know what you’re going to ask. You are a fetisher. Remember your addiction to peppers? Everything you ate had to have in it chopped peppers, picante sauce, tabasco or a jalapeno pepper on the side. What do you think is the magical ingredient in the stew?"
The detective gulped. He knew there was something about the stew that made him eat it.
Whittle continued, "I’m sorry to tell you, Detective. You were intrigued by the stew and ate it because it contained peppers. So you like the rest of us belong here."
The detective lowered his head onto the table and cried. Kaboom could be heard giving orders as more customers arrived and maniacally, yet most gleefully, devoured bowls of stew and exploded. What a wonderful time everyone had.
Delo White is a computer operator as well as a writer of strange and silly stories.
E-mail: delowhite@hotmail.com
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