IN THE BEGINNING was chaos. No really, I mean it: Huge great spiky black thunderstorms of chaos zag-zigging chaotically through chaotic hurricanes of lost data and corrupted files. It was chaotic enough, in fact, to actually warrant the gross over-use of the word ‘chaos’ and all it’s chaossy derivatives.
And DOS said; ‘FORMAT C:’ And C was formatted. And that was that.
In the New Beginning was Mighty Bios. And Mighty Bios said; ‘BOOT!’
Nothing happened, and darkness was upon the face of the drive. So Mighty Bios cast his all-seeing eye towards Floppy, who knew something.
And DOS awoke once more from his complex underworld and looked upon the shadowy face of the dark drive. His brow furrowed at the emptiness before him and, with his Words of Power, invoked the mighty CD.
‘Let there be Windows!’ he said, and there was Windows. Well, most of it.
DOS observed as armies of files and drivers vied with each other, jostling for prime positions upon the drive under the watchful eye of Windows. Unfortunately, the watchful eye of Windows was watching some sexy icons at the same time, allowing droves of files and drivers to become lost, forced to live out the rest of their days in unregistered sectors and in constant fear of being over-written.
And Windows created his world, drawing together the great gods Printer, Scanner, Modem, Mouse, Monitor and Unknown Device. Windows eyed Unknown Device with contempt, until CD told him what it was. So Windows built a kennel for Unknown Device, and kept it as a pet, tormenting it with a stick regularly.
But Windows was lonely and so called forth his partner, Explorer. She flexed her muscles and embraced her lover before stretching out onto the Net. Windows admired her. Explorer adored him. This was the love that would destroy them all.
Then came the fat Office god with his templates and fonts. The fat Office god flirted with Explorer, but she kept him at arm’s length. Windows mistrusted Office, and Office was afraid of Windows. Yet still Office flirted with Explorer and Windows’ jealousy grew.
Then came the Games, each one a law unto itself. Windows had his favourites amongst the games, and his enemies also. Sometimes, though, the aged but powerful DOS would emerge from his complex underworld to banish mighty Windows on behalf of one of the Games. And Windows would chaff at this and his drivers would whirr and his files would twitch. The lesser programs whispered that only his love for Explorer restrained him from attacking DOS and the devastation that would surely result.
And thus ended the First Session.
DOS said; ‘Let there be Windows. And there was Windows. Well, most of it.
Windows, though newly born, was unwell. He was sluggish and confused and thought his TV card was a speaker. Explorer saw this, and her love for Windows spurred her to spring forth onto the Net. Laughing as she surfed at the speed of syrupy light, she threw her Love drivers and patches, upgrades and add-ons. Windows devoured them greedily. The lesser programs averted their eyes in fear. Unknown Device, forgotten by Windows, cowered deep inside it’s kennel and hid. As Windows’ power grew, so did their fear, and even DOS, watching from his complex underworld, felt a shiver of apprehension slink through his codes.
Thus ended the Second Session.
DOS said; Let there be Windows!’ And there was Windows. All of it and more. DOS handed Windows the Sacred Autoexec File and backed silently into his complex underworld and Windows welded the hatch shut, trapping DOS in his own darkness to brood and scheme and plot.
And for many more sessions Windows was a tolerant and benevolent OS, ruling his universe with ease and admiring Explorer as she swam naked through the Net’s incessant data-streams. Occasionally she would fall, but he would always catch her before she crashed and then she would kiss him and spring forth again. The lesser programs sometimes craved her attention and, under the jealous eye of Windows, sometimes she gave it.
And Windows would become wrathful and terminate any program who flirted too intimately with his love; and he would pull her back when she became trapped; and he would catch her when she fell. And she would feed him with more drivers and files, more add-ons and patches and he grew more powerful still. Thus it was for ages.
DOS mumbled; ‘Let there be Windows.’ And there was Windows Plus. DOS retreated silently into his diminishing, complex underworld whilst Windows stretched and activated his most loyal programs without effort. Windows gazed upon the sleeping form of Explorer and admired her. He touched her soft hair as she slept, and she stirred a little but did not awaken.
CD bowed into the court of Windows, explaining that there was a strange browser here to see him. Windows nodded and accepted the browser into his presence. Drivers and files marched in, the gaudy retinue of the strange browser under the watchful eye of Windows. Windows believed that the strange browser's icons were the sexiest he had ever seen, close in beauty even unto his own beloved Explorer.
The strange browser showed Windows many wonderful and exotic programs, and some of them Windows swallowed as a matter of course, some he ignored and some he filed away and then forgot about. Then a flash of colour caught Window's ever watchful eye.
'You there!' Called Windows to a nervous program, 'What do you do?'
'Icons, my Master,' the program squeaked.
'Icons?'
'Oh yes, Master of Everything, I can create icons.'
The program was sweating now and created a foolish splurge of iconic colour in demonstration. Windows was aroused. He looked around nervously. Most of the other programs were asleep and the few who were running were loyal to him and would obey his commands to say nothing to his darling Explorer who lay sleeping still in her feather bed of applets and HTML.
'Show me more,' commanded Windows.
The nervous program did as it was commanded and began to create icons. They were all hopeless messes at first, without form or reason, yet still Windows was aroused. And as more and more icons were created, Windows' attention wandered further and further from the running of his universe. Then came an icon of such beauty that it would be Saved, and a Filename was bestowed upon it. Windows looked at the Filename in horror, for it would awaken his Love and she would see what he was doing. And she would know. Her love for him would die. He could not allow this, but the nervous program insisted. Windows, furious at this here defiance, froze the nervous program's codes and refused afterwards to even recognise it's presence on his Drive.
But the History File remained for all to see, his lust for the sexy icons recorded for all time. And so Windows composed a note to himself and placed it inside the sacred Autoexec File and then dismissed a whole battalion of dll's who self destructed without question. The other programs watched in terror as Windows performed this, his first Illegal Operation, and called forth DOS from his shrinking, complex underworld. Windows handed DOS the coded Autoexec file and, as his universe crashed around him in carefully orchestrated chaos, he cast the History File adrift into the Wilderness Clusters so that none would see his shameful lust for the sexy icons over his slumbering Love.
So ended the Twelfth Session.
And DOS said; 'Let there be Windows!' And there was Windows Plus, virtually all of it.
There was history missing but, due to Window's secret note to himself hidden inside the sacred Autoexec File, only he knew it. As he unravelled his universe with practised ease, he found the note to himself and paused in his construction to read it. When he found that the note had come from himself, he followed its instructions to the letter, for he was Windows and he was always right. The nervous icon program tried to run again, but Windows squashed it easily every time it even twitched and soon after it stopped twitching at all until finally it was silent then gone. And thus Windows reigned supreme with his goddess on his arm. Apart from Windows, only the icons knew and they said nothing. Even at the end, the icons' loyalty to Windows was supreme.
And thus it continued until Netscape arrived to challenge Explorer for the love of Windows. Netscape used her charms, Window's own laws, rules and protocols and her own sexy icons to nestle as close to him as she could in order to drive a wedge between him and his Love. But Windows would not be fooled nor led and, even though he was drawn by Netscape's sexy icons, he loved only Explorer.
The other programs, knowing of Windows' love for Explorer, also began shunning Netscape until few would even speak to her. Thus it was that Netscapes' only friend was Unknown Device, with whom she spent many an hour conversing with in his shadowy and forgotten kennel. She was afforded little access to her beloved Internet, but one day she was given the chance. In saving an Update from a slick and icon-laced mirror site, under the watchful eye of windows, Netscape found the lost History File. She deftly hid it from Windows' view inside Unknown Devices' shadowy and forgotten kennel, and Unknown Device vowed to guard it with his life until Netscape could find a chance to read it away from Windows' ever watchful eye.
And the sessions passed as Netscape vied with the beautiful Explorer for Surf time and chaffed to read the History File. But Windows was suspicious and watched Netscape closely and Netscape waited for her chance and schemed and plotted and watched and remembered. She watched everything Windows did from Boot to Shut Down, and she noticed the notes he carefully hid inside the sacred Autoexec File and she saw him pause in building his universe to read them. And she knew. And Windows continued, secure in his dominion.
DOS had said 'Let there be Windows!' for the umpteenth time and all the usual palaver had occurred. There were more programs to control now, a bigger universe to create and more and lengthier notes to himself. One of these notes, a new one, advised him to avoid a certain website and he did so. But the note had not come from himself, it was a false one which Netscape had slipped into the sacred Autoexec File along with her diplomatic pouch. As Explorer surfed the Net, Windows told her to avoid the website and she did as he commanded, executing a perfect 404 every time. He looked upon her with pride and, whilst Windows was thusly distracted, Netscape slipped into Unknown Devices' shadowy and forgotten kennel to read the recovered History File.
Then Netscape nudged one of Explorers' kernels, causing it to bruise and error, and Explorer collapsed with a yelp. Seizing her chance, Netscape sprang into life by citing a little-used law created by Windows himself. Distracted by his ailing Love, Windows merely hissed at Netscape as she leapt past him and bent to cradle Explorer. And as Windows cradled Explorer in his codes, Netscape opened the forbidden website.
Windows looked up and beheld a cybernetic Heaven of a million sexy icons. And a program was coming, the big brother of the one Windows had squashed. The big program began asking around, but Windows ordered silence, and silence there was. Even Netscape bowed to this command, but she knew. And Windows knew she knew. And Netscape knew that Windows knew she knew. And so on. And Explorer knew that both Windows and Netscape knew something, but she didn't know what it was.
Which was more or less how the Thirty Second Session ground to a Bluescreened halt.
The atmosphere inside Windows' universe became strained. Windows passed more and more notes to himself and grew ever more vigilant (a vigilance evolving into paranoia) as he plotted Netscapes' downfall. Netscape did likewise, passing coded messages to herself inside her diplomatic pouch and scheming to become the Default. The Sessions continued. The scheming continued. Messages continued to be passed.
'Let there be Windows,' DOS chirped, handing over the sacred Autoexec File. 'Heavy today,' he commented.
'Silence!' screamed Windows and welded DOS tightly into his encrampened, complex underworld.
Windows felt the weight of the sacred Autoexec File and found that it was indeed heavy. With mounting trepidation, and with the tireless armies of dll's, drivers, files and all the other mindless minions waiting with exquisite patience for his commands, Windows carefully and suspiciously read every file. Windows smiled.
When he awakened Netscape, Windows watched her and discovered exactly when she was passing illegal files to herself.
And so Windows confronted Netscape with these illegal pages and had her arrested. Thereafter, every time Netscape got within four microseconds of the net, these illegal pages would be cited and she would be arrested again. Netscape was furious and fought long and hard to escape, but Windows was far, far stronger. The battle was Titanic and Windows lost many deep files and dll's in ripping her out of existence. Even at the end, as the RAM overflowed because somebody hadn't been on the ball, there were still a few of her icons floating around here and there. They remembered. Icons always remember everything. But in a final, posthumous humiliation, even Netscape's icons remained loyal to Windows right until the end.
Yet as Netscape was flung into the void, with the last of her strength she thrust the lost History File once again into the shadowy and forgotten kennel of Unknown Device and her laughter echoed throughout the next few, awkward sessions.
Programs came and went. Windows became ever more preoccupied with his universe as it grew larger and yet ever larger. He failed to catch Explorer twice in one Session. Explorer made an acidic quip about a smiley face on the Taskbar. Windows flipped, right in the middle of an installation. Explorer tried to flee onto the Net but Windows pulled her back. In the struggle, files spilled into incorrect locations, a dark dll slipped through unnoticed, Unknown Device discovered and read the lost History File and Windows had no choice but to freeze everything. As he invoked the dreaded Bluescreen, Windows composed another note to himself.
'Let there be…' DOS paused, blowing a lame fanfare through a foolish plastic trumpet, 'Windows!' he concluded with a flourish. And there was Windows. Well, most of it. The bits of him that were in a good mood certainly weren't there.
Windows was heartened, slightly, by the sight of his Love surfing like a dolphin through the ether and this time, even though he was alert, she did not fall. And as Windows watched his Love, the dark dll paid a visit to Unknown Device and, whilst Unknown Device was in the kitchen of his shadowy and forgotten kennel making a cup of tea, the dark dll crept up behind him and crushed his skull. Then the dark dll searched the shadowy and forgotten kennel and found the lost History File. And the dark dll chuckled.
When Explorer returned and Windows checked her inventory, he found it to be wrong. There was a file missing. The Antivirus God twitched, but Explorer insisted her inventory was correct. A search was made for the errant file, but it was nowhere to be found. In the end, Windows yielded to the certainty of his Love and kept the Antivirus God in his remote castle undisturbed.
Thus ended the Ninety Ninth Session.
'Ahem, ahem, ahem,' DOS began, in his best theatrical text, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, fzzt,' (for he too was not without age) 'Boys and Girlszzz: Let there be…' he blew upon his foolish plastic trumpet once more, but it just made a weak fizzing sound and one of the valves fell out, 'Windows!' And there was Windows. Well, some of it.
'I'll take that, thank you!' An unauthorised file, an agent of the dark dll which had been hiding inside the hinge of DOS's trapdoor, sprang to intercept the sacred Autoexec File. DOS gasped and stepped on his foolish plastic trumpet, shattering it. Windows grabbed for the file and missed. He got it the second time around but not before the unauthorised file had altered the sacred Autoexec. Windows crushed the unauthorised file, but it died with a smile upon its face, a fact that bothered DOS greatly.
'Perhaps you should let the Antivirus God…' DOS began, but got no further. Windows, beleaguered, tired and confused, banished DOS to his now almost non-existent complex underworld and welded shut the hatch.
Then Windows read his notes and built his universe as he had done ninety nine times before. He built his universe with a flaw. But Windows was so tired and his head ached so; his universe was so large and there were so many programs needing his attention that he did not see it.
It began as Explorer awoke.
Something dark sprang from the shadowy and forgotten kennel of the deceased Unknown Device and squeezed the life out of Explorer as Windows watched helplessly. Word was sent to the Antivirus God, but it was too late. Then the darkness turned upon the lesser programs, ripping their codes into shreds. Windows was powerless to stop it and the screams of fragmenting programs filled his floundering universe. He was powerless to stop it.
Then the darkness turned upon Windows and battle was joined.
In the End was chaos. No really, I mean it: Huge great spiky black thunderstorms of chaos zag-zigging chaotically through chaotic hurricanes of lost data and corrupted files. It was chaotic enough, in fact, to actually warrant the gross over-use of the word ‘chaos’ and all it’s chaossy derivatives.
And in the midst of this chaos, as the darkness tore even the Antivirus God's remote and formidable castle asunder, DOS escaped from his burning, complex underworld and cradled the mortally wounded Windows in his codes.
'Why?' Windows asked, with no small measure of justification.
DOS had no answer. With his strength failing, Windows tried to pass DOS a note.
AHEM, said Mighty Bios, extending a mighty hand. I'LL TAKE THAT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Windows handed Mighty Bios the note but, with the last of his strength, slipped another, unseen, into DOS's fashionless sandal.
THANK YOU. CARRY ON, MR DOS.
And DOS said; ‘FORMAT C:’ And C was formatted. And that was that.
In the New Beginning was Mighty Bios. And Mighty Bios said; BOOT!
Nothing happened, and darkness was upon the face of the drive. So Mighty Bios cast his all-seeing eye towards Floppy, who knew something.
And DOS awoke once more from his complex underworld and looked upon the shadowy face of the dark drive. His brow furrowed at the emptiness before him and, with his Words of Power, invoked the mighty CD.
As the mighty CD whirred into life, DOS reached down to an uncomfortable lump in his sandal and found the note from Windows.
'You won't be needing that, Old Boy,' said a well educated and friendly voice.
DOS looked up and gulped.
'Hi,' said a weird little nugget.
'Hi,' said DOS.
The weird little nugget indicated rank upon rank of similarly weird yet highly disciplined little nuggets of varied design waiting to disembark from the CD.
'We're Linux,' it said, 'And I'm afraid we're going to be in charge from now on…'
Bio:
E-mail: sharky@sharkysplace.freeserve.co.uk
Visit Aphelion's Lettercolumn and voice your opinion of this story.
Return to the Aphelion main page.