Watch the Monkey

By Ralph Benedetto, Jr.




The following document is a series of excerpts from a report by a Grinnith observation team. This report dates from the early days of the Grinnith investigation of humanity, while they were still deciding whether or not they would make their existence known to us. These excerpts were translated with the kind assistance of Rdaxotl od dl and have been modified in several ways. First, they have been edited to remove details which, while they may have been of great interest to the observers, might not prove quite so fascinating to human readers, such as the amount of excreta produced by the subject on a daily basis. Grinnith observers are extremely thorough. Second, the Grinnith had a dearth of knowledge about humanity at this time, being unaware of such basic facts as how humans communicate with one another and how many genders humans have. This makes the original reports somewhat confusing to read. I have attempted to correct this by inserting gender information, time references and so on where clarity demands.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0002.

We have succeeded in locating the subject's dwelling. He is apparently routinely absent during most of the daylight hours, so we took advantage of this time to render the dwelling susceptible to observation, installing 186 devices. The reason that we have started with such a small number is the utter alienness of this world. We simply are not certain which devices we will have the most need of or where they should be placed. After we have observed the subject for a time, we expect to increase the number of observation devices to a more reasonable level.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0006.

Since we began observation of this subject, Anarxkc edl ap has been performing a series of nonintrusive physiochemical analyses on him. Through these analyses, edl ap has determined such useful information as the average body temperature of the subject and his basal metabolic rate, but nonintrusive techniques only yield a limited amount of information, so the decision was made to utilize some mildly intrusive techniques. This, of course, necessitated rendering the subject unconscious.

We wish to stress that the selection of a tranquilizer was not made randomly. A class VII drone managed to obtain nearly twelve microliters of the subject's dried blood off of an imperfectly cleaned knife with which he had accidentally cut himself, and, of course, we had already obtained copious quantities of the subject's evacuated metabolic wastes. After studying these samples and the data gathered by means of nonintrusive techniques, edl ap selected a drug and dosage and, after the subject retired for the night, had a drone administer it.

The drug worked satisfactorily, and edl ap remote piloted a drone which took hair and nail samples, skin scrapings from several areas of the body, 2 milliliters of blood and a variety of fluid and tissue samples from every bodily orifice. edl ap also implanted twenty-one internal scanners in the subject. It is appropriate to note at this point that edl ap has registered an official protest about being required to limit his researches in such a drastic manner.

The next morning found the subject in ill health. Later analysis showed that, when the subject metabolized the drug, some of the byproducts induced gastrointestinal problems which manifested themselves in ways that he apparently found unpleasant. On the positive side, however, this did enable us to obtain a wide variety of fluid and semi-fluid samples which were ejected from the subject's body. Analysis of all of these samples, including the fortuitous bonus samples collected after the subject's morning meal, is proceeding.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0012.

We are having difficulty understanding this subject. The point of some of his actions seems obvious to us. We have observed him preparing and ingesting nutrients. (Samples of both prepared and unprepared nutrients have been taken for analysis, and metabolic scans showing internal chemical changes before, during and after digestion have been filed for later examination.) We have observed him cleaning himself. (Samples of the cleaning material have been taken, and the water with which he washed himself was captured in the drainage system and is currently being analyzed.) We have observed him cleaning his dwelling. (A complete three dimensional map of the structure has been filed, samples of the dirt have been taken from a mechanical suction device and various cleaning utensils, and the water used was captured in the drainage system. All of this material is currently being analyzed.) Other actions, however, are quite puzzling.

For example, he spends a great deal of his time watching a device which displays moving images of his fellow creatures performing a variety of actions. We have not yet ascertained the purpose of this. Some team members feel that it is informative, others that it is entertainment, others that it is some type of psychosexual ritual or perhaps a religious rite.

He also spends hours with a device which we do not understand at all. It is a framework made of the wood of an indigenous plant. Stretched across the framework are six wires of various gauges. He presses the wires at one end of the frame with the digits of one hand and strikes the wires at the other end with the digits of the other hand. If our understanding of human body language (and what little chemical signals we can detect) is accurate, then he seems to derive enjoyment and frustration in equal measure from this practice.

Three dimensional maps have been made of each of these devices, and study continues.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0015.

The subject has a series of objects that he spends long hours peering at. Several scanners have recorded the objects, and each one appears to consist of a few hundred flattened pieces of chemically treated wood pulp joined together in some sort of binding and inscribed with utterly incomprehensible symbols. The subject studies these symbols intently for long periods of time in an orderly manner. We theorize that the symbols are either some form of art - that is, that the subject takes aesthetic pleasure in the their shapes or combinations - or that they are a method of recording information of some kind.

There appear to be grave difficulties with the information theory, however. On several occasions, well placed scanners have been able to record visual images of the symbols, but we have, so far, been utterly unable to pick up any chemical signatures associated with them. Well, that is not entirely correct - we have picked up a fairly simple chemical signature, but not one that varies with each symbol. It has been suggested that the chemical signatures necessary for communication are present in levels too weak for the scanner to detect. Could it be that whatever organ humans use for chemical detection is more sensitive than our scanner? It was decided that the only way to make certain was to acquire some of the objects themselves for closer study.

Accordingly, a class XII transportation drone was dispatched. Our ship is located some 800 miles away from the subject's dwelling, so there was some risk associated with this action, but it had previously been determined that human detection systems are not extremely efficient, so the risk was deemed to be minimal. The drone reached the subject's dwelling during daylight hours and effected an entry. As mentioned previously, the subject spends most of the daylight hours absent from the dwelling, so this seemed quite safe. The drone was large enough to acquire and store seven of the objects of interest, departing immediately upon the completion of its task.

This action was performed at the earliest possible moment after the subject left for the day, and it was believed that the objects could be analyzed, recorded and returned to the dwelling before the subject returned home. Unfortunately, while on its way to return the objects, the drone malfunctioned. Autorepair was able to fix the problem, but not in time. The human noticed the absence of the objects and seemed quite disturbed, searching all through the dwelling and meticulously examining all of the points of entry and exit. By what we are certain is mere coincidence, he spent most of his time examining the portal that the drone had used to effect its entry. It must be coincidence because the systems engineers have assured us that the drone cannot have left any possible trace of its passing.

Since the subject was so upset by the absence of these objects, it was decided to return them. In consequence, when the subject returned home the following day, the objects were back in place. Instead of seeming relieved, however, the subject seemed quite agitated by this, eventually (and for the first time that we have seen) spending most of the evening lying down with a cloth that had been soaked in low temperature water resting over the top portion of his body. It is possible that our action was ill conceived, but we do not believe that there will be any important repercussions from it, and, after all, the obtaining of information is our reason for being here.




SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0021

It is quite difficult to know what to make of the subject's current behavior. It differs dramatically from all previously recorded behavior, but it must be admitted that we cannot tell whether this is significant or not. We have not been observing this race long enough to know whether the subject's current behavior is abnormal or not.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0037

A breakthrough! A dramatic breakthrough, in fact. Efdannitk edl op has been examining the three dimensional maps made of various devices in the subject's dwelling. We have been unable to copy these devices properly, as we lack access to native materials, but edl op has made several running simulations, and these analyses have led to the formation of a startling hypothesis. At least a portion of individual to individual human communications is done using vibrations which pass through the planetary atmosphere! We realize that this is an astonishing proposition, but we believe that we have sufficient evidence to back it up. Conclusive proof, however, will require the dissection of at least one normal human specimen to see if we can discover how they generate these vibrations internally and how they detect them. In the meantime, Defwaynn ex adl is constructing a device designed to detect and classify these vibrations.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0081

Experiments using ex adl's device have been successful. It seems certain that this is, indeed, how humans communicate, and we have recorded a number of waveforms generated by the specimen under study, though we have not even begun to make any sense out of them. Translating them into chemical signals that we can understand may well be a task that will take years. We have also synthesized a device which is capable of approximately duplicating some of the waveforms and transmitting them. We hope, by the response of the subject, to be able to deduce something of the meaning of some of these waveforms. These experiments have been proceeding for some days, but the results are mixed. We have certainly generated responses from the subject, but we are uncertain how to interpret them. Study continues.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0112

Recently, the subject has taken to sleeping less. We find this puzzling and have not yet determined a reason for it, but we have decided to make use of it by intensifying our attempts to learn something of human communications. Late at night is an ideal time for this since the experiments are less likely to be interrupted.

During the latest set of experiments, the subject suddenly began dismantling some of the devices around his dwelling. We do not know what prompted him to do this. He was quite methodical about it, carefully dismantling device 117b and 182f. [Editor's note - these are the radio and television.] He reduced each device to a series of disconnected components. His behavior was so interesting that we temporarily suspended the communications experiments in order to watch him.

Once the devices were dismantled, the subject began examining the individual components, selecting some and discarding others for reasons that we do not understand. This is quite fascinating.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0115

The subject has continued his deconstructive activities and has also dismantled devices 117f and 9b. [Editor's note - a stereo system and a computer.] Once again, he sifted through the various components, selecting some and discarding others. He has now amassed quite a large pile of diverse parts. We are eager to see what he will do next.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0138

Apparently the subject has decided to do nothing with the components extracted from his various devices. How disappointing. We have decided to resume our experiments in communications.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0150

The subject is still sleeping less at night, which is excellent news, as it gives us more opportunities to watch his behavior. He has finally begun working with the components that he selected earlier. He seems to be assembling some sort of device, but analysis has thus far been unable to determine the nature of the device or its intended function.

We have also watched him do something completely new. Without warning, he suddenly walked into the food preparation room and began to rummage through the drawers and cabinets. Then he pulled out a box. This proved to contain a very thin and flexible foil which had been hammered out of a light metal (atomic number 13, atomic mass 26.98154 amu). We have seen him use this when preparing his meals, but this time he folded a large segment of it into a pyramidal shape and placed it on his head as a hat.

Coincidentally, all of the observation devices that we inserted into his body have stopped transmitting data. We have been unable to trace the fault thus far, but, as all of the observation devices scattered around the subject's dwelling are still functional, we are not unduly concerned.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0157

The subject is continuing to work on his device, but we are still unable to determine its intended function. It is quite unfamiliar to us. We have been given plenty of opportunity to study it, however, as the subject no longer leaves his dwelling during the day. His sanitary habits have also altered, and he is sprouting hair on his face, something that we have not heretofore noticed. Previously, the subject changed his garments daily, but he seldom changes them at all, now. This is fascinating, and we eagerly await further developments.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0163

The door to the subject's dwelling has an awareness button next to it. A visitor depresses this button, alerting the occupant to the fact that a visitor is awaiting entry. We previously assumed, of course, that depressing this button released a chemical messenger into the dwelling which the occupant detected. We now thought, however, that we could use this awareness button to provide support for our theory that humans communicate using waves that travel through the atmosphere, so we constructed a small drone and dispatched it to the subject's dwelling. We had it depress the awareness button at random intervals and observed the results. Depression of the button did not alter the chemical levels within the dwelling in any detectable manner, but it did create vibrations which ed adl's device was able to detect. As a side note, these tests were conducted over a period of two days, and the subject ceased to respond to the awareness button after the first fifty-seven trials. We have also demonstrated that the promptness of his response depends on the time of day (decreasing during the hours of darkness, particularly after 2 am) and his activities at the time (decreasing when he is sleeping or voiding metabolic wastes). We will wait several days before repeating the test sequence to see if the subject regains his responsiveness.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0185

We have now discovered that visitors do not have to depress the awareness button. The subject had a visitor who, getting no response after using the button, began to hit the door with one of his limbs. (This created obvious vibrations which ex adl's device again detected, further confirmation of our theory.) The subject, who had ignored the vibrations from the awareness button, responded to this, ceasing his work on the device he was constructing and moving toward the door. He did not open the door, but he and the visitor exchanged vibrations, those of the subject increasing rapidly in amplitude. The subject also began waving his limbs quite rapidly in a previously unobserved manner, occasionally also jumping off of the ground. The subject appeared to gesture at his hat of metallic foil several times during this encounter. The visitor departed rapidly, and the subject returned to work on his device.

In order to acquire more components for this device, the subject has now dismantled several of the devices in the food preparation room. One of these devices was used to lower the temperature of food items to create a bacteriostatic effect. This device is no longer functional, since the subject removed several key components, and this is giving us an excellent opportunity to study the bacteria of this planet, as they are multiplying rapidly on the food stored within the device. Chemical emissions in the food preparation room are rising, creating an environment rich in stimuli, but the subject appears quite unresponsive to this.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0192

The device appears to be finished! The subject has examined it thoroughly but has ceased to add parts to it. He now appears to be connecting it to one of the power receptacles which are scattered throughout the dwelling. He is now preparing to activate it.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0193

This is quite frustrating. Something has gone wrong with the observation devices in the subject's dwelling. Just as we were about to discover what the subject's device did, every piece of observation equipment we had installed ceased to function.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0197

Still no contact. A drone has been dispatched to determine the problem and make any necessary repairs.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0200

Oh, really, this is intolerable. The drone reached the dwelling safely and then ceased to report. Another drone has been dispatched.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0202

Contact has been reestablished, but the data which we have lost may be irreplaceable! Events have obviously moved at a rapid pace within the subject's dwelling. Contact was regained quite suddenly, and several humans were within the dwelling. The door appeared to have sustained some damage, and the subject's device had clearly also sustained some damage and appeared nonfunctional. We are quite annoyed, as we had hoped to observe it while it was functioning so that we could discover what its purpose was.

The humans within the dwelling appeared to be performing some complex type of ritual which will require quite a bit of analysis. Two of the new humans were dressed alike, in dark clothing, with belts that contained a variety of tools and implements. The other two were also dressed alike, both of them in white clothing, one of them holding some complex upper body garment. The object of the ritual appeared to be to induce the subject to put this garment on, an action which the subject was seemingly reluctant to perform.

We recorded the ritual in its entirety. It ended with the subject wearing the garment and being escorted out of the dwelling. A tracer drone has been released.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0205

The internal sensors implanted within the subject's body have mysteriously returned to functionality. The tracer drone homed on the transmissions and has located the subject. A series of observation drones have been dispatched to the new location.


SUBJECT 00002A. OBSERVATION REPORT 0206

This is quite fascinating. Our drones have encountered the drones of other observation teams. The humans have systematically gathered every subject in the city who was under observation, equipped them all with the same type of upper body garments and placed them all in a single building! We had not realized that humans were advanced enough to detect our presence or actions, but we were obviously in error.

If the species is this advanced, we should probably contact them. Still, maybe a few decades of observation first would be a good idea. It never pays to rush into these things.

The End

Copyright © 2000 by Ralph Benedetto, Jr.

Bio:"I am a college biology teacher living in the southeastern US with my wife, one dog, and one cat, which is plenty of cats but several dogs too few. All in all, I think the universe is a lot sillier than we can possibly imagine, which won't stop me from trying."

E-mail: benedet@esn.net


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