You may think you've been there, done that, but I really doubt it ...
 

We hear from the olden times great tales of grand deeds, giant warriors and really big fish stories.  Like that little bitty guy David who whupped up on that snake-haired lady who could turn a 300-pound good ol' boy into so much gorgonzola, just a-quiverin' and a-stinkin' in the sun like a barfsicle.  Did it with a slingshot he did.  Ever time he popped her upside the head, she sprouted another one.  He finally had to drive a steak through her heart.   Medium rare, I think it was.

And how 'bout that Samson dude who had to support the entire earth on his back, and that Hercules homey who killed a bar on that tree in Kentucky?  Nobody does that kind of shit no more.

What I'm saying here is that they just don't make heroes like they used to.   Nowadays, if you wanna be a hero, you gotta be sensitive and socially responsible, which means you can't drink or plook aliens or anything!

Speaking of doing it to aliens, just look at what those zeroes at DC Comics did to Superman.  First they killed him (and you can't kill Superman), then they brought him back (which overpaid writer thought up that stunningly original plot device?!!), then they gave him that bogus Power-Ranger looking suit that made him look like every other dag-gone corporate Japanimation superhero.

Next thing you know, he'll be teamed up with Godzilla telling the baddies to quit smoking and do some community service as he punctuates his dialog with crisp karate moves.  I'm tellin' ya,

So how 'bout it?  Let's see some real Shoot First and Ask Questions Later heroes.  Let's go kick Saddam's sorry butt -- AGAIN!  Let's fly 100,000 bored billionaires over Muommar Khaddafy in balloons that cost more than his entire economy, just to piss him off.  Judging from his last encounter with the U.S. Navy, he could probably use the target practice, and with any luck Bill Gates will turn out to be a closet thrill-freak!  BLAM!  There goes that infidel Windows 98!  BLAM-BLAM!  There goes the degenerate Blue Screen of Death!

Man, I just wanna see some amazing shit, after all, we're coming up on

Let's see some Four Horseman action here, dead bodies a-jumpin outta their graves an' flyin' up into space, entire cities gettin' turned into vaporized fireballs and falling like a Marilyn Manson White Christmas on the surrounding countryside!  I wanna see BLOOD and GORE and GUTS in my teeth!  I wanna kill! Kill! Ki-ILLL!

GULP-glug-glug-chug.  Pant - pant - puf!  Ahhh, that hits the spot!

Hmmm.  Well, OK.  So.  How about another Olympics instead?

Read more by Jim Parnell.

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