Dammit Jim, Say When...

The Vinyl Frontier
Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a Rabbi
(but I've been known to moonlight)

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After surviving a gut-wrenching action-packed trip across the known Universe, the crew of the Enterprise arrived twitching and drooling on the other side of the Galaxy. With brand-spanking new psychoses and syndromes a-blazin', they are about to encounter the planet of ... DOMINATRIXES!

(Dominatri? Dominatrusses? Hay-ul, I don't know, Vern, it's just one of them "Women in Prison" movies anyhow.
Pass the pork rinds!)

We join them now where they were before, and just so they get paid twice for the same lines ...

Spock:	Gee, Jim, think there're any women out there?
Kirk, Bones:	A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AA--A-A-A-A-!!!!
Sulu:	GORT, KLAATU BARATA MIKTO!
Spock:	HOO-AAHH!!!
Sulu:	BLOW NOZE! Knot a gin and tonic! Nuts and udder oarsixed tinglehorny orifice! (Translation: "Oh NO! Not again! Not another oversexed tinhorn officer!)
Kirk:	Hey, he's getting better! I'm cocksure he said we're looking REAL FINE in our new leather uniforms with these cool titanium studs, and strategic pockets.
Spock:	Leather, I like leather...

At that moment, the turbolift door springs open. Nurse Chapel rolls head over heels onto the bridge. She's in full Hollywood party regalia (yes, that kind of party -- 6-inch heels, leather, nose ring, tattoos...) . Right behind comes Scotty, who executes a crisp swan dive into the bridge's engineering station.

The bridge crew, discarding the highest and lowest scores, gives him an 8.7.

Kirk:	Fine dive, Scotty. Tough landing, though.
Scotty (muffled):	Bloody Hell, Cap'n, I don't know how much moor-rre o' this Ah kin take!
Computer:	The engineering station now contains a design defect.
Kirk:	Nurse! Will you see if you can get him outta there?

With a throaty growl, Nurse Chapel (who sounds a lot like the computer, and the producer's wife, and in a later series, Deanna Troy's oversexed mom), grabs Scotty by the legs (still waving from the station) and tugs. With a loud RR-II-II-P, the pants give way, exposing to all and sundry what a good Scots wear-rr-s beneath the kilt.

Uhura, Nurse Chapel:	Oh.. Oh my..
Scotty:	Shr-rr-inkage! Ah tell yah, shr-rr-inkage!
Bones:	I can fix that! I've been practicing to become a rabbi -- really!
Kirk (huffily):	Scotty, you're out of uniform. Reel that thing in before somebody gets hurt.
Spock:	Leather, rubber.. Shrink tubing with a hair dryer...

And it was at that precise moment, two huge humanoid female warriors from the planet DOMINATRIX materialize onto the bridge. (Remember Dominatrix? The planet? The one the Enterprise is orbiting? Ahh, screw it...) The larger of the two scornfully cases the bridge and barks to her companion:

Really big one:	Bighk TOH, glask da scohbla dorks shtupt ya? (Geez Velda, think there might be any MEN around here?)
Damn near as big one:	Flockt me! Knoctup powihte trash hotdam! (There's one! I'll take the one with the really big ...)

Credits

Special thanks to the late great Frank Zappa for Spock's dialog, with a nod to Seinfeld, and some half-forgotten limerick I heard about Scots and their unique dress code.

-Bubba, the Wrath of the Movie

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